Disney World

"Welcome to Disney World and enjoy your stay!" announced the bus driver. Of course, there is much to see and do, but there is one moment I will never forget.

Today, it still brings tears to my eyes, for many reasons. It's late in the evening and all the lights have been turned off. Infront of me, Cinderella's castle stands tall. A voice echos from the loud speaker. Its Jiminey Cricket welcoming all the guests. Then, IT happens. The most amazing fireworks I had ever seen! The theme: "Wishes" as music accompanies each flight. How perfect. A place so feing and yet, something inside yearns that wish. You know, that wish they sing about, that I can have. The music still plays over in my head. Maybe its because its the first I have looked up in the sky since died and experienced the relief and awe that welcomed me that day. I felt connected, at last. Oe think I know for sure is this moment, this single moment, will stay with me forever.

In memory of my trip to Disney World two years ago!

A Heavy Heart

This time, the year is 2007. Cancer has invaded itself once again. How many times I questioningly ask someone/something. I fight back tears as I busy myself again, with things of this world. I've woken up from a nap and I sob, again. Why does it mutate itself so quickly? I may not be the best at "being around" all the time. However, I know about the idea of love and how much it means to someone to show that you care, even if the life is not to last forever. I spent three days watching, helping, waiting to see in which way I can help. I've relieved people, I've adminstered medication, and I've sat holding back tears, the same repitious moments just like before. Today, my first day back at home, exhausted from the three days, bad news is yet to come. I have dentist appointments, appointments for my lasik because the healing process is slower than they'd like. What do I do? These things have to be done! I think, what's important? My aunt it, but I have to take care of myself too, I can't make allow myself to create any complications. A heavy sigh.

The first day. Tuesday afternoon around 2:20, I arrive at my destination. "Auntie" I call her. I walk in amongst all the paper signing of "do not resucitate" forms and the waiting for a room in a hospice. I'm greeted with they only give her four months to live, and the look in her eyes, tells me something different. (Yet, when I look at her I break down, she looks EXACTLY like my mom and grandma, no hair, same eyes, same face, same color)
I go to hug her to wrap my arms around her crushed. She says "Come with me to my bedroom" and I completely lose all I have told myself I was going to hold onto. She tells me the grim tale of the doctors orders and sobs relentlessly. I grasp back, again, not wanting cancer to claim another soul. She looks at me and says "I want to give you this" its a pink bracelt with the words "I LOve You" inscribed. "Mija, who's going to watch out for you?" I cry again, the same comforting sounds "I'll be okay" - really, is that how it works? I'll be okay!!!! I have to, three times I'll have it down this time. This pink bracelt is steadily put on my wrist and then she kisses it, and tells me she loves me. We head back the the living room. She demands "I'm ready to die, why won't God just take me! I pray and pray and he won't take me!" How do you console something who demands the need to leave this world? Do you say, "Umm..no we are selffish and want you to stay?" That's not right. You can only nod with a heavy heart. She looks at me "I see your mom and grandma waiting for me, but I'm not playing any BINGO when I get there, they're too crazy!" I tell myself, a quick smile, a quick smile and all I have are more tears. Devastated. Breathless. Worried. Selffish.

I hate to be selffish to hold on so tightly. I'm guilty.

Friday, I'm here and I get a phone call. My other aunt calls and tells me things are not looking good, they had to call in a hospital bed, because she can't get around. Better yet, she can't make it to the bathroom. Ugh, another blow to the chest. I have so much to do around this house, bills, appointments, but I feel I need to be there. My mom and grandma would be there as much as they could, everyday bringing a little something to say "I'm thinking about you." My mom loved auntie, and well grandma loved her sisters. I won't forget the words, who will watch out for you, knowing there are some people who can't see beyond my faults.
In a few hours I will pack my bags again, load up the dogs and head out again to satisfy my own hurt. I'll fight even harder she WILL NOT die, I'm not going to watch it again, I'm not going to have it invade another part of my life. So I didn't see her or visit her every single time I had an opportunity, it was with love that I remember in her home. My mom would always leave me there for her to babysit.

I don't know how I will make peace with this one, again. I'm getting tired. Just like grandma she always worried about her and those are the hardest people to face. Mother's Day when I saw her, she cried at my success and the happiness my mom and grandma would feel.
I leave here with tears for an aunt who had to watch a niece, mother, dad, and sister have cancer consume their bodies. Her silent plea of death is slowly knocking at her door. She will stop holding on soon. For that, I'm deeply saddened.

It's with this simple bracelt that will pain me of words shared and tears shed. My grandma's sisters have failed to give up on me, despite my own faults. Her sisters. I've seen that these last few days. It's in dying amends have been made and gratitude has been expressed.

With a heavy heart.

Random

What can I say? I've taken the complete liberty of closing a door on life. A part that really, I have to snicker at, softly. There are so many things in this life that we can change. There are so many roads to travel and only one (YOU) can make those most of what you have. Every day this becomes a stronger lesson from the da before.
Its not often I sit and lament ver the losses that I've endured. Years ago, yes - I was drowing in my own tears and sadness trying to get through college, but nope not even those toughest moments could sway what I was supposed to become.
I knew at one interval I would eventually have to say goodbye to either one, but their loss has created a chain reaction of sorts. Discontentment..dischord...and yet I have to laugh because some people fail to stop and look at themselves in the mirror. They hold onto their own self -pity loathing in "my way is right."
I was having one of those conversations with another that creates a charge in thoughts and settles the reality. I was once convinced I was wrong, there were years upon years that I was wrong, that I was the bad one, and the one who would NEVER grow up. I was the one no one could appreciate because for some reason they couldn't look past themselves. I laugh hyseterically because how I was so blind to see that our lives are what we make of them and there is no set way to enjoy the life set before us.

For now...a life awaits me and I can't quite put these words in a phrases I can quite articulate. Laughter awaits me outside the office door. Happiness abounds as I'm faced and surrounded with people who would never give up, despite my tears of sorrow and the inability to stand on my two feet. If anyone knew the struggle I struggled with the last two years. I would never sleep. I lost 40 pounds and there were so many days I would walk into the classroom and lay on the floor and have my kids teach other. (Luckily for moments at a time I happened to be a damn good teacher who taught them real quick to be independent thinkers) I'm yet to figure out how my entire class passed the TAKS and I never spent thoughtful time in teaching. Some call it weakness. I call beating all odds because there were very few left. A little at a time...you really begin to see life take its shape. I don't have set family and kids to settle with and not face the harsh realtiy of loss. I don't have a family or kids to pour my life into while holding onto memories. Yet, I have a life far greater. I life wrapped in knowing, I had to struggle to let go, and now...today...they are so much happier.

Today, tomorrow.....everyday I think of them.

I CAN SEE!

I can SEE!
The best thing has happened. I am living without contacts and glasses!! I took a bold step and had lasik done. Although, I'm unique and different I had to have LASEK a more complicated form, but a fix in vision nonetheless.
I had already built myself up that I was going to go blind and that was it! I fretted for three whole days. Then, I said let me change my sunglasses without prescription so I'll have a reason to keep going.
Friday morning, a pill and a half of Valium I was lying a dark room. My heart beating faster than ever (I don't think it ever stopped) and then, my name was called. Its funny they give you a name tag so I guess they take the right person to the "operating room" that was the funny part.

So, here I go. I'm laying down and a massive amount of drops are overflowing in my eye. The Dr. comes in and he's just humming away. I'm thinking you are about to cut my eye and burn flesh, focus you should be focusing. The process was quick! I was in the room a total of 3 minutes! I'm escorted out of the room and I'm greeted with "CONGRATULATIONS" from all the office staff. I said, "Did I just have a baby?" What a unique way to walk out of an operating room that focus on your eyes.

Had some pain, but mostly pain free that was the good part because the scared me about the pain. They give you a bottle of pain pills so I'm thinking I'm in grave danger. Nope, took one the day home just to sleep through the day.

I wake up the next day and woo hoo I'm not searching for glasses!!! That is by the far the greatest thing ever. To see a TV in its clearest form. Exhilarating.

Saturday morning off to the Dr again, for a post op sort of thing. You know what??? This time I COULD SEE THE BIG LETTER "E"! Do you know how many years the top letter did NOT look like an E but you learn that its always an E so you can pretend. Whoa. Vision that you could not believe.

Better yet a 6,000 operation for only 2200.I had a friend who had an awesome deal and told me about it so I saved so much money.

It's like looking through life with a new pair of eyes :)

Publicity Stunt?

Seriously, my life is this complex. However, I've chosen to make it easier.

So, this story begins this way: It's the Race for the Cure event Easter weekend. Okay, a notable event which thousands come together to walk for all sorts of reasons: hope, grief and love. They all have their reasons. My purpose is to publicly honor those I have lost. It's not a single moment that becomes the ONLY day I think, honor or remember them it's a daily thing in my life. However, here is one interval in time, that I share that same hurt or hope for others in one event.

There were a few who decided to get together and participate in this event. Yes, it was really cold and even got to finish the race in the snow, but what a very cool way. Remember that song, "I run for life, I run for hope/all that is true" that song does not signify one time, one event, or one purpose. It's again, the mere idea that you run for the lives of others.
Well, after the race I stood to watch all the survivors standing on steps, celebrating their life for that day. The happiness on their faces could be the first time in a long time. Or, it could have been the last time that happiness will grace their sphere before they part from this world. One moment, one time to truly step out of your own selfish bubble and stand in celebration (yet sorrow) for the lives lost and the lives celebrated.

If you are not familiar with the event: In an enclosed area there are booths and food that fill the empty places. There are different booths that participate in gaining awareness through their own personal logo to advertise for themselves. Why not? These are people that believe in finding a cure or at least have some respect for the event. A clear example a corporate company I once visited talk about their participation in the event. For what reason? They were affected in someway, perhaps someone they lost or the celebration of others. I remember the day. It was at Pier 1. I bought a screen there and they were telling us about the reason for selling pink candles. Everyone has their reason, people don't show up to just throw out their name.

Ok, with that said. Back to my story.

So, here I am at the event. Three people (after gathering free stuff) decided they would go wait in the car. Seriously, they came for free stuff? Seriously.

After the walk, and the tears just began to fall as I watched all these women stand on these risers celebrating their life. The fear, the constant bad news, the hope - this day it was worth it. For one day, they got to share with the thousands their celebration of life. Yes, for those who have lost it sucks to see that, and you kick yourself wondering why it can't be you and those you have lost. Selfish? Of course, but they wouldn't want us to regret and become bitter at the lives of others.

I walk back to the car, with the tears in my eyes and I enter the car with a heavy heart. I did not speak (for several reasons) one the bitter sweet experience watching those women, and the wish and just missing, to just disappointment that one would sign up for something to gather free stuff and not even participate in the event. Why even come? Oh, free stuff.
I'm finally asked why I am crying. My response they suffer 7 years and 1 hour in the cold. That's the way I saw the event, as well. You walk for their life and the moments they suffered. Some dealt with it most often and more closely, I'm walking for the reason why I couldn't always be there and to suffer in the cold or hot. I can't give those people 7 years of suffering but I can give them a piece each time I participate.

Then, I get these harsh words of discontentment of how they grieve. I said, "that's the way you choose to deal with it." That was my consistent response. I didn't raise my voice or slander them harshly, those were my only words I exchanged.

Now, someone who I thought would just take the words, because of course if you don't want to know then don't ask, I didn't offer anything. She goes off, and says very angrily, "I'm pissed!" Who made her mad? Was it because her grief is hidden behind anger and regret? I don't know, but she got really angry. My response remained the same. It gets better. She goes off that the whole event is a publicity stunt. I'm thinking, then why the hell do you participate? For the shirt? For the free stuff? For what reason would you just give your money if you did not approve the reason? Seeing my problem?

It was the most disappointing day of my life. I deserve an apology to be treated with such disrespect of raising voice of "I'm pissed" and the words tearing through my mind that it's all a publicity stunt. I want her to tell those people who were standing up there celebrating their life. I want her to come up their face and raise her voice exchanging those words to them. Crush their heart and spirit, go right ahead, I dare you.

Talk about disappointment. I wish I was in the wrong again this time. I wish I was the one who yelled and convinced them what horrible people they were, but I ended my thoughts with "That's how you choose to deal with it" ashamed I know them.
Another tough blow. If you participate int he event get your reasons in order. Every time I have done it, I don't cry as near as hard as I did this time, because I got to stick around to see the end because I wasn't being rushed. But, as I've walked and heard the song by Melissa Ethridge my throat gets tight and several tears from my eyes. For personal reasons, and for the lives that walk around me.

Again, another experience shared with my students. I showed them that their behavior isn't worth a plastic toy you will lose in a few days. Your behavior is because you feel good about yourself and the reasons why you choose your behavior. I'm not expecting perfection or allow them to mess up. Students are often in search for some monetary thing, and what's more important a plastic toy i can get in abundance for them to lose, or awareness that in life, all those things don't measure what's in your heart.

I had one of my students (I teach 4th grade) who sent me an email and said, "Miss Rios, I'm glad you do it for the right reason, forgive those who weren't good." A fourth grade student in my class who can convey such meaning. That's the worth in what I do
.
People are shallow and Takers. Again, from the same people I see the same pattern. Its sad that people can be like this.

Hidden Words

I found these words hidden in a tight space, needing to be rediscovered once, again.

Before I begin, I've taken a liking to a "new song" (this occurs on a daily basis). Right now, Start a Fire by Among Thorns

"Start a fire in me Let the flames run free Burn away the dross Holy Fire of God..."
A daily prayer.

There's always so much more I want to say, actually, so much more I want to feel. My defenses keep me from trying - afraid of the unknown. Where does this fear come from? Where does the reluctant part of me, hide? I know it's to come out, I'm an adult. What is the resistance

I'm confident. (Notice the reassuring). I'm confident in my abilities but not in who I am. Who I am is: fragile, delicaetd, and need to be protected, right?

Somedays my life is really overwhelming and death seems convenient. My life is not "full" and oh, the unknown. This scared I feel is different from all those years, for the mere reason what's done is done. Finality. There is no time to "fix it" or "make it" better. She's gone, period. I have no one to argue that statement. This wound is deeper than what all those men have done to me, and I would rather ENDURE that than this loss, right here. It's crippling, because for a second you have what seems like the world, and then you have nothing. I feel like I'm doing thing all wrong, this is the time in my life when independence is pushed, people my age learning to "live" without support.

It's backwards for me, I have the independence down, and it has become the root of all evil. This whole thing is like learning to walk in an open area with nothing to catch you when you fall, nothing to set your "eye" on as a means for a "finish line." I' mscared of the days I need something, and know it, and can't articulate it.

My goodbye may be the one of many that need to come and, I'm scared of that, I'm scared to wake up one day, and think "oh yeah, she was alive once." That's where I sink. When coupled with my life that awaits me, and searching endlessly for something to hold to, and again I find myself, the one person who always fails. Me. Fine person to hold to.

My mind races, my heart beats at all the emotios I have trained myself to deny. We are talking about transitions here that people don't make quite yet.

As I feel like I need to convince someone "Moms are supposed to be around longer than 42 years, right?"

I'm finding like hell, becaus I know what she would want, I know what I always wanted, but her loss devastates me. The memories I have of her, her breathing, cause me to frantically want to pray for Him to not allow her to die. "Goodbye" - coming closer to reality. Accepting, not entirely.

Searching, I am. Searching for something in my life to make it complete.

To be continued.....

Some People Choose Their Fate

*****DISCLAIMER***** I'm typing so freaking fast and I'm THAT annoyed my typing may suck. I finished this email in about 4 minutes, so I'm typing super fast.
You know, I would copy and past this in word to teach a life lesson to some other needy soul.

At my expense, my smart and wise expense I am the bad person. You decide if I'm guilty.
The story begins with an offer to help. I'll own that. During the midst of this story the person who I offered to help made constant arrangements to get together to work on something. All those arrangements where was she? Ah, she playing with her friends. This person 30, a full fl edge adult. (I'm 28 by the way.) This person is finishing up a four year degree to become a teacher. The best part of this story is that she has her priorities in check and she is responsible.
THEN, ONE DAY she shows up. She says I have to run home to get a flash drive (3 miles away) and I'll be back. Guess what? She doesn't show up again!!! See a pattern of responsibility and priorities. So, the following day she has the audacity to call and ask for the project. Guess what I said? (my fourth grade students knew the answer to this one). Nope, you never came, its now your problem. What are you going to do about this project now?

Oh, yeah a few weeks or week before I volunteered to help with another project. The papers I first received that the due date was April 19th. I get a text message saying on a Saturday "The project is due on Monday." The end of text. I was sitting at home watching TV. Guess what I did? I looked at it and I said to myself okay its due Monday, thanks for letting me know. I continued my cheap entertainment. GET THIS, at 30 with her priorities in check and being responsible i was supposed to assume she needed my help. Did she ask? Nope. I said, "Too bad for her she had to work 6 hours to finish something). Are you remembering that her constant phrase was "I am responsible and have my priorities in check."

This is where the story gets really good. Last weekend, she made arrangements to come over and get something. She shows up!! WOO HOO! She must really need this project and have priorities and responsibilities in check. She says, "Hey, I have to run home (3 miles away) and get a flash drive." Don't miss a detail it was 3 miles away. You want to know the funny thing? She doesn't show up. Her excuse (remember responsibility and priorities her number 1 phrase) I FORGOT! You want to know what she did? She walked to the lake and she went bowling. So, guys, she forgot, oh pity her. Please. Someone at 30 better have their shit together.
The following day I get the call. Guess what? She decides she REALLY needs the project. (My students knew the answer to his dilemma, too) I said, "I'm not going to give it to you." Oh heavens, did that start an uproar like you would not believe. I am so the most horrible, mean, and bad guy in the whole world. She made a choice and she forgot. I didn't forget that people who want something bad enough are going to play and go on walks. I figured she didn't need it, she could do other things. The funny consistent theme is she has her priorities in check and is responsible.

For the matter above, that clearly I do not own (her lack of responsibility and I not giving it to her), except I'm not a dumb ass and I'm not going to be used; people in relation to her I've given up on and walked away, most nobly. I'm not going to be involved in a bunch of Takers who are ungrateful and do not appreciate what other people have done for them. That's the part that sucks.

Get this, I get a phone call from a member of this party (we both know) that lives 300 miles away telling me what a bad person I am. One, she doesn't even LIVE here, and two what the hell does she know, and THIRD she won't even listen to what I have to say. She lives 300 miles away.

I love to teach my students life lessons those I have learned and past experiences, because I want to foster growth and make them better people. I admit my faults and share the truth. I'm not that selfish either to share the bad stories other people who have done to me. I truly admit my own faults, because even I make them. I own that, too. When I tell an incident, do I give direct sources and names? No, that's rude, but I do share the story in its entirety because I want them to know the moral of the lesson: When you say you are going to do something, just do it. The funny thing is the aforementioned story they knew each event before I could tell it, and that is why I've had them two years. Not only are they really smart, but man have they learned about life from me. That's the part I am most proud of, not that they can think at high levels or be successful, although part of the education plan there is so much more to life.
I've walked away with my head up high knowing I did the right thing this time. I do not regret what I have done and the shallow people think I did something wrong, too bad for them, too. Selfish people exist.

Oh yeah, I've spent two weekends ruining my weekend. Last weekend I was looking for the CD and today I haven't eaten breakfast. Maybe I should walk to the lake and go bowling, I'm calling my FRIENDS. There's one itty bitty detail I forgot to add. Remember all that stuff about being responsible she lost something I let her borrow. The proof is in the pudding. I'm really not lying to you. This story is true. It sounds like a made up story, because how could anyone be so dumb.

I want you to remember the point of this story, she is responsible and has priorities in check, I do not get how now that she REALLY needs it, and I'm the bad guy who loses many things (family), because she can't even tell her own story right. OH, if you could hear the slew of accusations. I can look at myself in the mirror every morning knowing, that I wasn't wrong. She can too probably because "I was wrong for not giving her to her", and she has lots of stress now (lots of stress) and of course, she had nothing to do with that.

Ha, why didn't the walk to the lake and the game of bowling cure that stress?
What I've had to hear: No one chooses to hear. To my side they've had a deaf ear, because remember this: I was five once.

You know, I'm not trying to be rude or mean. Seriously, I just want you to see that a situation like this really turned me into this mean awful person. I've lost more than you will know. I can't regret what I have lost because their reactions instigated more than telling the aforementioned person, "You did something wrong."

Unconditional love

What is this, I mean there's a post about love each time I sit here to write. Well, here it goes:
You see, I had this amazing change in my life. Yet, it took me a long time to realize this gift was truly amazing. Unfortunately it took loss, to uncover or rather discover this thing called unconditional love. I always thought I had nothing to give or rather not good enough to receive. I think somewhere I taught myself different.

Who/What is this gift inquiring minds may want to know....He's my puppy Astro. How silly that I would devote a post thankful for a dog, but if you only knew what he has done for my life. I mean he has provided countless hours of laughter and frustration, and better yet he forgives and forgets rather quickly so makes discipline easier, yet obnoxious.
Now, I would have to say, I'm a little more thankful for what I have,
because at one interval I almost lost the opportunity to have this in my life. I'm not sure who or what to think. However, I am eternally grateful for the lesson I have learned. For me, I have found the perfect dog, and when I first adopted him, I worried he would never ever like me because he would just growl at me. Almost 6 months later, he's my little shadow and is constantly insearch of me.

Unconditional love, it took a sweet puppy to show me something that was hidden. (As he brings me his plethora of toys, I end this for now).