Random Reading - comes with random words. See what you can make of it :)
Moses talks face to face
Paul has an ACTIVE relationship
Jesus says "Let me be near you"
Israel says, "Give me a king"
It's a terrifying realizaation to be intimate, I mean intimacy is revealing ALL that you ARE or are NOT.
It's far better to let someone else talk about what they see, and have them EXPERIENCE God and come tell us about Him, right?
Phil 2:12
Ah, maybe it is here we draw the line - we are to work salvation out for ourselves
It's 3 in the morning, dark, lonely, and no else is around. Nope, not a single soul answers their cell phone. Your only hope....
Is to stop being satisfied with others experiences and press in (I'm thinking of David's heart)
Some press deep to know him
Others will wait for others to bring Jesus to them - a sad price to pay.
My favorite part Psalms 62 and 43
It's OK to wrestle with God.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Principles for Relationships with Children
For those who spend their time working with kids, something indeed to remember.
I am not all knowing,
Therefore, I will not even attempt to be.
I need to be loved,
Therefore, I will be open to loving children.
I want to be more accepting of the child in me.
Therefore, I will with wonder and awe allow children to illuminate my world.
I know so little about the complex intricacies of childhood.
Therefore, I will allow children to teach me.
I learn best from and am impacted most by my personal struggles.
Therefore, I will join with children in their struggles.
I sometimes need a refuge.
Therefore, I will provide a refuge for children.
I like it when I am fully accepted as the person I am.
Therefore, I will strive to experience and appreciate the person of the child.
I make mistakes. There are a declaration of the way I am - human and fallible.
Therefore, I will be tolerant of the humanness of children.
I react with emotional internalization and expression to my world of reality.
Therefore, I will relinquish the grasp I have on reality and try to enter the world as experienced by the child.
It feels good to be an authority, to provide answers.
Therefore, I will need to work hard to protect children from me!
I am more fully me when I feel safe.
Therefore, I will be consistent in my interactions with children.
I am the only person who can live my life.
Therefore, I will not attempt to rule a child's life.
I have learned most of what I know from experiencing.
Therefore, I will allow children to experience.
The more I experience and the will to live come from within me.
Therefore, I will recognize and affirm the child's will and selfhood.
I cannot make children's hurts and fears and frustrations and disappointments go away.
Therefore, I will soften the blow.
I experience fear when I am vulnerable.
Therefore, I will with kindness, gentleness, and tenderness touch the inner world of the vulnerable child.
I am not all knowing,
Therefore, I will not even attempt to be.
I need to be loved,
Therefore, I will be open to loving children.
I want to be more accepting of the child in me.
Therefore, I will with wonder and awe allow children to illuminate my world.
I know so little about the complex intricacies of childhood.
Therefore, I will allow children to teach me.
I learn best from and am impacted most by my personal struggles.
Therefore, I will join with children in their struggles.
I sometimes need a refuge.
Therefore, I will provide a refuge for children.
I like it when I am fully accepted as the person I am.
Therefore, I will strive to experience and appreciate the person of the child.
I make mistakes. There are a declaration of the way I am - human and fallible.
Therefore, I will be tolerant of the humanness of children.
I react with emotional internalization and expression to my world of reality.
Therefore, I will relinquish the grasp I have on reality and try to enter the world as experienced by the child.
It feels good to be an authority, to provide answers.
Therefore, I will need to work hard to protect children from me!
I am more fully me when I feel safe.
Therefore, I will be consistent in my interactions with children.
I am the only person who can live my life.
Therefore, I will not attempt to rule a child's life.
I have learned most of what I know from experiencing.
Therefore, I will allow children to experience.
The more I experience and the will to live come from within me.
Therefore, I will recognize and affirm the child's will and selfhood.
I cannot make children's hurts and fears and frustrations and disappointments go away.
Therefore, I will soften the blow.
I experience fear when I am vulnerable.
Therefore, I will with kindness, gentleness, and tenderness touch the inner world of the vulnerable child.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Miss You
No one knows when or why. What changes in the earth to say, “Ok, our time is over.” Nevertheless, here we are walking, living, breathing to make for ourselves a life. Our lives hold many things such as: warmth, trust, and love. None of us given the guarantee of tomorrow, but here we are in unity. Eyes tell a story all their own, laughter reminds us of cherished times. Tears remind us of all those emotions words could never capture.
I will always remember this woman. A woman who gave life. This woman her provided love (in her own unique way). Her life tells me a story. I want to be like her – strong, never a discouraging word. She had cancer – in her bones, in her body, on her brain. You never heard this woman say, “I can’t.” Doctors said, “She won’t be able to walk anymore”. She scoffs. With a walker in both hands – she was going to try. Pain in her steps but that didn’t stop her. This woman had determination. She had a reason to embrace her everyday.
I get angry sometimes. I want to blame her for not being here, for dying. Some days – rage sits in and my hopes she’ll appear somewhere and say, “Calm down, I’m right here.”
As I write – she begins to come alive. The way she walks, slow, and steady. Her laughter as it carries through what I once called “home”. Her character as “Mom” – begins to take form. As I can freely express anything, I wish. No, she’ll never come back, but this is where I can keep her alive. I can include her in tales of my past, present, or future. Whatever role I wish her to fill.
I wonder why I keep writing about her? I never use to. Oh, she was never dead. I stopped writing for pleasure less and less when she died. I became enveloped of her non-return that my words would tear me apart. I had to keep it together. I had to demonstrate cohesiveness. I was trying to finish my degree. “Tears don’t bother me” – I would say to myself.
However, I remember at night and early into the mornings I would cry. I would embrace your final days – playing and replaying what I could have done to keep you alive. I was so close to graduating – and you were so excited. My goodbyes were harsh and without emotion. I didn’t know exactly what to feel.
Two days ago, you were on the phone – you were laughing – telling me to stay out of trouble. After that, a coma? C’mon – Can’t be that easy. Doctors say that’s what happens before a body begins to spiral downward – their speech so clear – their mind so free. Funny. Weeks/ months before her thoughts were idle as she lay in her hospital room. I was a small girl to her. “Amy, I told you to clean your room!” she would blurt out. “Stop hiding!” as she would raise her heavy head as to look for me. I’m sitting in a chair next to her. “Mom, it’s ok I’m right here.” For month’s that’s what it was – I was the parent. I had to feed her. She told me, “No” once – what do you do? I gave her the spoon and Jell-O was everywhere. My mom was losing a battle and my mind never caught on.
So, here I am 29. My mom gone from this world and I on a journey of “new normals”. I hope to be carrying out a legacy – embraced with a passion of working with children as my mother did for so many years.
“Does life get easier?”
That’s hard to say. You constantly have to teach and re-teach yourself how to live. You only know what works.
This is definitely a journey shared my many – some go through it like myself – swallowing hard and hoping not to fall apart. Others cry when they’re sad and laugh when they’re happy. Whatever keeps you going.
I do know, you can wish it never happened until you are blue in the face, but guess what? It’s real. Everyday, it’s real.
One day I will embrace understanding – one day I will embrace her unspoken love as a means to be reminded – it’s ok to miss her for now, and to know I’ll always be her daughter. Nothing can take that away.
I will always remember this woman. A woman who gave life. This woman her provided love (in her own unique way). Her life tells me a story. I want to be like her – strong, never a discouraging word. She had cancer – in her bones, in her body, on her brain. You never heard this woman say, “I can’t.” Doctors said, “She won’t be able to walk anymore”. She scoffs. With a walker in both hands – she was going to try. Pain in her steps but that didn’t stop her. This woman had determination. She had a reason to embrace her everyday.
I get angry sometimes. I want to blame her for not being here, for dying. Some days – rage sits in and my hopes she’ll appear somewhere and say, “Calm down, I’m right here.”
As I write – she begins to come alive. The way she walks, slow, and steady. Her laughter as it carries through what I once called “home”. Her character as “Mom” – begins to take form. As I can freely express anything, I wish. No, she’ll never come back, but this is where I can keep her alive. I can include her in tales of my past, present, or future. Whatever role I wish her to fill.
I wonder why I keep writing about her? I never use to. Oh, she was never dead. I stopped writing for pleasure less and less when she died. I became enveloped of her non-return that my words would tear me apart. I had to keep it together. I had to demonstrate cohesiveness. I was trying to finish my degree. “Tears don’t bother me” – I would say to myself.
However, I remember at night and early into the mornings I would cry. I would embrace your final days – playing and replaying what I could have done to keep you alive. I was so close to graduating – and you were so excited. My goodbyes were harsh and without emotion. I didn’t know exactly what to feel.
Two days ago, you were on the phone – you were laughing – telling me to stay out of trouble. After that, a coma? C’mon – Can’t be that easy. Doctors say that’s what happens before a body begins to spiral downward – their speech so clear – their mind so free. Funny. Weeks/ months before her thoughts were idle as she lay in her hospital room. I was a small girl to her. “Amy, I told you to clean your room!” she would blurt out. “Stop hiding!” as she would raise her heavy head as to look for me. I’m sitting in a chair next to her. “Mom, it’s ok I’m right here.” For month’s that’s what it was – I was the parent. I had to feed her. She told me, “No” once – what do you do? I gave her the spoon and Jell-O was everywhere. My mom was losing a battle and my mind never caught on.
So, here I am 29. My mom gone from this world and I on a journey of “new normals”. I hope to be carrying out a legacy – embraced with a passion of working with children as my mother did for so many years.
“Does life get easier?”
That’s hard to say. You constantly have to teach and re-teach yourself how to live. You only know what works.
This is definitely a journey shared my many – some go through it like myself – swallowing hard and hoping not to fall apart. Others cry when they’re sad and laugh when they’re happy. Whatever keeps you going.
I do know, you can wish it never happened until you are blue in the face, but guess what? It’s real. Everyday, it’s real.
One day I will embrace understanding – one day I will embrace her unspoken love as a means to be reminded – it’s ok to miss her for now, and to know I’ll always be her daughter. Nothing can take that away.
Heartache
Beating, Slowly, remembering the pain
Shortness of breath, mute
Swollen, tired, as they watched you died
outstretched, weak, your child
Another day comes - I stand looking at myself in the mirror - fix my shirt collar - and take a deep breath. How days have I done that 3 years 4 months and 14 days. You would think my mind would catch on. That's my life, now. How in 3 years I've done all the thing you would have never imagined. Make-up, highlights, clothes my size, a career. Done. You made this journey I'm on kind difficult, are you aware of this? I want you here, I do. This pain has infected my heart - causing me to miss you. This infection eating away, creating an empty space you once filled.
My "I Love Yous" are long overdue, my quiet laughter as I remember your own laugh are kept sealed away. I try to contain you in a small box, but I can't - you affect my everyday. Mom, help make this easier on me, I'm tired. Please wake me from this dream to hold me to tell you love me. I think inside my heavy laddened soul in receiving a rainshower. My tough facade is becoming weak, "it's ok to miss her" it whispers.
My body tightens and I stop breathing. Another blow at reality. Everything I do, is for me now. Five years from now it won't hurt this much, but I gotta get through it now. I wish our goodbyes were better produced; than mine flirting with the idea of telling you to "fight" or saying "its ok you can go." No matter what we endured; rather you endured the sleepless nights, crying for my safety, wanting to help but didn't know how. I endured wall building and apathy.
We can't rewind time - (trust me, I want to). Tears in my eyes, memories of you parade around my thoughts - I catch one, I'm reading to you, we laugh. A still frame. Good-bye Mom. I love you. Good-bye - two words (oxymoron). "Good something well done, you appreciate "Bye" finality - departure.
Gone, you, yes, - well done? Not really.
However, this marks neither the beginning or the end, but a "new" mark in life (as many countless words and writings will convey). It's har - "grief" a process not a race. I'm gonna miss you for a long time - because life has its ways of keeping you close. My mind knows you are supposed to be alive - that you dying is not okay. You were tired, you were ready for a place with no more pain. Your strength amazes me.
Musn't have been by chance
you were the one One
Chosen to be our mom
Through the years
Holding on
Expecting to live
Remembering you, Today.
Shortness of breath, mute
Swollen, tired, as they watched you died
outstretched, weak, your child
Another day comes - I stand looking at myself in the mirror - fix my shirt collar - and take a deep breath. How days have I done that 3 years 4 months and 14 days. You would think my mind would catch on. That's my life, now. How in 3 years I've done all the thing you would have never imagined. Make-up, highlights, clothes my size, a career. Done. You made this journey I'm on kind difficult, are you aware of this? I want you here, I do. This pain has infected my heart - causing me to miss you. This infection eating away, creating an empty space you once filled.
My "I Love Yous" are long overdue, my quiet laughter as I remember your own laugh are kept sealed away. I try to contain you in a small box, but I can't - you affect my everyday. Mom, help make this easier on me, I'm tired. Please wake me from this dream to hold me to tell you love me. I think inside my heavy laddened soul in receiving a rainshower. My tough facade is becoming weak, "it's ok to miss her" it whispers.
My body tightens and I stop breathing. Another blow at reality. Everything I do, is for me now. Five years from now it won't hurt this much, but I gotta get through it now. I wish our goodbyes were better produced; than mine flirting with the idea of telling you to "fight" or saying "its ok you can go." No matter what we endured; rather you endured the sleepless nights, crying for my safety, wanting to help but didn't know how. I endured wall building and apathy.
We can't rewind time - (trust me, I want to). Tears in my eyes, memories of you parade around my thoughts - I catch one, I'm reading to you, we laugh. A still frame. Good-bye Mom. I love you. Good-bye - two words (oxymoron). "Good something well done, you appreciate "Bye" finality - departure.
Gone, you, yes, - well done? Not really.
However, this marks neither the beginning or the end, but a "new" mark in life (as many countless words and writings will convey). It's har - "grief" a process not a race. I'm gonna miss you for a long time - because life has its ways of keeping you close. My mind knows you are supposed to be alive - that you dying is not okay. You were tired, you were ready for a place with no more pain. Your strength amazes me.
Musn't have been by chance
you were the one One
Chosen to be our mom
Through the years
Holding on
Expecting to live
Remembering you, Today.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Education?
Let's just say, I'm learning quickly there's a time for......
It's a never ending poiltical game, and its not about kids. It's about scores. The facade is about kids, but at the end of the year its the numbers. The mindset doesn't change. That saddens me. I chose this, because I have something to give, and a number is not what I'm after.
Have you ever read the Little Prince? Third Graders are pilots, and well the rest is History. You want kids to achieve and become great things, lets remind them that choosing the right answer is the only way to achieve this.
For that, I am saddened. I want kids to grow, experience and become someone different. Some, don't care. Where can i go to find this?
It's a never ending poiltical game, and its not about kids. It's about scores. The facade is about kids, but at the end of the year its the numbers. The mindset doesn't change. That saddens me. I chose this, because I have something to give, and a number is not what I'm after.
Have you ever read the Little Prince? Third Graders are pilots, and well the rest is History. You want kids to achieve and become great things, lets remind them that choosing the right answer is the only way to achieve this.
For that, I am saddened. I want kids to grow, experience and become someone different. Some, don't care. Where can i go to find this?
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Hero
I heard this song on the radio today. I love music. For all who do not know this widely known fact, I love words. I love it when I find "just-the-right" words when I'm writing. This song created a peaceful moment. I'm not entirely sure how, but I was content with how the words left me. For now, I'm short with my own words, but needed to leave this mark.
Jo Dee Messina
IF Heaven was Needing A Hero
I came by today to see you I just had to let you know If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time I'd have held you, and never let go Oh, it's kept me awake nights, wondering I lie in the dark, just asking why I've always been told You won't be called home Until it's your time I guess heaven was needing a hero Somebody just like you Brave enough to stand up For what you believe And follow it through When I try to make it make sense in my mind The only conclusion I come to Is heaven was needing a hero Like you I remember the last time I saw you Oh, you held your head up proud I laughed inside When I saw how you were standing out in the crowd Your such a part of who I am Now that part will just be void No matter how much I need you now Heaven needed you more Cause heaven was needing a hero Somebody just like you Brave enough to stand up For what you believe And follow it through When I try to make it make sense in my mind The only conclusion I come to Is heaven was needing a hero Like you Is Heaven was needing a hero and that's you
Jo Dee Messina
IF Heaven was Needing A Hero
I came by today to see you I just had to let you know If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time I'd have held you, and never let go Oh, it's kept me awake nights, wondering I lie in the dark, just asking why I've always been told You won't be called home Until it's your time I guess heaven was needing a hero Somebody just like you Brave enough to stand up For what you believe And follow it through When I try to make it make sense in my mind The only conclusion I come to Is heaven was needing a hero Like you I remember the last time I saw you Oh, you held your head up proud I laughed inside When I saw how you were standing out in the crowd Your such a part of who I am Now that part will just be void No matter how much I need you now Heaven needed you more Cause heaven was needing a hero Somebody just like you Brave enough to stand up For what you believe And follow it through When I try to make it make sense in my mind The only conclusion I come to Is heaven was needing a hero Like you Is Heaven was needing a hero and that's you
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Disney World
"Welcome to Disney World and enjoy your stay!" announced the bus driver. Of course, there is much to see and do, but there is one moment I will never forget.
Today, it still brings tears to my eyes, for many reasons. It's late in the evening and all the lights have been turned off. Infront of me, Cinderella's castle stands tall. A voice echos from the loud speaker. Its Jiminey Cricket welcoming all the guests. Then, IT happens. The most amazing fireworks I had ever seen! The theme: "Wishes" as music accompanies each flight. How perfect. A place so feing and yet, something inside yearns that wish. You know, that wish they sing about, that I can have. The music still plays over in my head. Maybe its because its the first I have looked up in the sky since died and experienced the relief and awe that welcomed me that day. I felt connected, at last. Oe think I know for sure is this moment, this single moment, will stay with me forever.
In memory of my trip to Disney World two years ago!
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