Labor Day weekend

I'm thankful that I was afforded this three day weekend. I mean, to not have to go to a place I am liking less and less - is a great feeling! However, the near future I will find myself back in a room number (I always forget), with 16 children who prefer to chatter unproductively than to listen. Let me tell ya, I had been spoiled the last two years. I had the opportunity to loop with my kids and they knew my expectations to the "T" and there wasn't any of this "unproductive" chatter. I'm not one to like a silent classroom, but there sure is a difference between productive talk and talking because one doesn't want to try. Nice.

I've yet to do much, and I'm leery that I only have one day off so now I'm having those "what should I have done" regrets. Basically the highlight was taking Milo to PetSmart to "FLOOD" his being with dogs to help ease his fear. And well, that wasn't so particulary fun, he barks and others quickly sweep up their dogs in their arms! He's afraid. He sounds like he's mean, but really his hair is standing up on his back. So, people there don't help much. In return, Milo will not learn as quickly becuase owners around him are sensing the fear. It's a viscious circle. Go figure, Harley is timid around people and Milo around dogs not people. Of course, my life would be complex.

So today, I might go to church. I always have good intentions, and those good intentions can sometimes well be just that. It's only 8:20 now and I have almost an hour and a half to change my mind. Unforutnately, that comes more often than not. I always do not have a good reason. LIke today, will be because I'm typing this blog and SHOULD be doing laundry or vaccuming. And well, those are far more important. So it seems. Then, sometimes at the very last moment I start playing the Wii, and then I just get into my game and well can't just get up and leave. There are lots of unknowns, but they get me everytime.

Now, I wonder if they are any good movies out, because that seems like a nice escape. Because of course, I'm always in search of something, and even when I think I have found what I'm looking for, I continue to search. Is the feeling unknown? I'm not sure what all this searching about, but indeed that's what it is. Fatigued. It's probably because its feeling lots of holes with the "wrong" stuff or thing (someone would argue). My mind is delving too deep and I could go off on another tangent soon, but I will refrain. Maybe another day.

Day #2

Ha! You have to be careful who reads this! Lots of speculation, I wonder if there lies guilt?

You gotta love these!

*Two names you go by
1. Amy
2. Rios

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. tank top
2. adidas shorts

*Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. breakfast2. everyone knows this one about me...don't have to say it
2. For a clean house!


*Two things you ate today
I haven't. Prolly yogurt in a few minutes.

*Two people you last spoke to:
1. Mary
2. Ed

*Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. going to the gym
2. and praying the weekend doesn't come super fast!


*Two longest car rides:
1. Galveston!!
2. Abilene


*Two favorite beverages:
1. sweet tea
2. caramel java chiller
(Me too, Missy - or Einsteins bagels has a really good frozen coffee drink!!!)

Now, here's what you're supposed to do ... And please do not spoil the Fun. Copy and paste this to a new email, delete my answers, and type in your answers.Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.

Another Day in Hospice

I wrote this last summer as I was sitting at Hendricks on the Hospice floor once again.


I’m sitting here, again. The year 2007, and the situation is no different. It’s the same smile, the same pain, the same “look.” Cancer doesn’t change shape no matter whom it attaches itself to, it’s there mutating, claiming the life of the one who bears the pain. It’s with a heavy heart, I sit here, again. My mind has the same thought process. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? I’ve looked into the same pair of eyes claiming the want to end the pain. The comfort of “I love you” but…. The pain, the pain is far greater than I could ever fathom. It’s the third time I hear those words. It’s the same tears I’ve cried out of selfishness. Again, another tear. Again, another heavy heart that sits with silence. My heart pours onto this page, but there’s not much to say. There are words that cannot express what dwells deep into my soul. I think the plethora of thoughts exudes beyond the cries of my heart. The thought becomes deep within my soul. I, at this moment, am broken on the inside. What’s the difference? There’s not, it will happen every time death knocks on the door of someone I love. What could I have done different? I wasn’t good enough. I could’ve loved more. You know, those same plaguing thoughts that consume anyone. Then, there’s nothing about the present. I cannot look at the past or future. I have today, to experience, to share in tears and laughter. You know the feeling when your being wants to make a sound that between frustration and disgust. A deep rooted sound that resounds, but stays buried underneath. It’s that calm before the storm. The calm of the scream or the tears will emerge in pain. So many can identify with “this” pain, yet I have to own this one, different from the next, nonetheless a sense of loss and hurt.
No one deserves what I have to see this sickness I see right now. NO ONE! Yet, there is a room full of Hospice people watching the people they love holding on to life, not wanting to face the idea and to hold on to what is real. The voices, the touch, the laughter of family of friends who share about old times, it’s a soothing sound, a sound that would be so hard to want to let go. (There’s that sound again.) Then, the other day this cry out to God demanding the want to die, she has prayed and prayed to end the suffering she has endured (I’ll never forget those words and the agony behind them). “Please God, I’m ready to go.” What is your response? What can you do? Do you affirm that, “ok” and be content that she is right and it’s ok to have this prayer?
Seriously, all that’s left are hugs that will last a life time. (There’s that sound again.) They fade. That hug that fell over my grandma, gone. What did that feel life? The last hug I gave my mom. What? It existed. The idea is there, but the touch. Not only is the loss by not seeing them anymore. What about that touch? The embrace by grandma that is indescribable. You see, one more person and your memory becomes a whirlwind spiraling around and around, hoping the feeling is JUST LIKE you’ve experienced before so the pain will not be different and you can convince yourself that “I’ve been through this” and you take a deep breath and enter right now in a different manner. Nope, or is it?
Who knows. No one welcomes death, especially those who sit and watch a life lose its shape. This time, you don’t have to wonder what’s going through her mind. She has verbalized very clearly what is plaguing her thoughts. The two other times, silence. There’s nothing to be said, it’s too hard. “I don’t want to die.” They had a life they can never replace and the pain they felt. She feels pain, but she’s hoping she can convince herself that death doesn’t scare her. She worries that something will go wrong and no one will be here, to comfort, to give her peace that she’s not alone. She wants to hold on or is it that she just wants the security of someone who loves her, knowing that again, she’s not alone. This is a big thing. A moment in their life where you can’t leave those who are preparing to die alone, a fear of death? No, a fear that they “wake up” and no one is here. Someone SHOULD be here. What reason, every morning she woke up for 62 years, 42 years old they woke up without the thought of someone was there when they awoke. They didn’t have this anxiety if they couldn’t see someone. This time, it’s the act of a little child; it’s the mind of a child who searches from the comfort in the presence of someone else. They go from a strong-willed adult to a plea of childlikeness. Who can blame them? Who can’t blame the need for other people to give them whatever they need, immediately. You don’t have a child who you want to make sure comforts are present. This is it, they are not just born, they are just dying. They are only little for a little while and they are just older for a little while, no one stuck in their “age” for a long period of time. You can only do what you can in their NOW despite the length of time.

Free

Sickness consumes her body and soul

A woman too young to die

Fighting the battle to stay alive

Day in and Day out she lies - unable

to do the things she used to

Hiding behind fear and strength

She pushes ahead

Time is her enemy

Nothing left to do

Her grasp on the world

is loosening

Holding onto the memories of the past - she

drifts in efforts to live a better tomorrow.

Free or pain.

Good-bye mom!

Growing

Today different than yesterday
Sometimes never the same
The same feelings remain
while learning to grow, to live.

Awakening

by anonymous

A great read! Be inspired!

A time comes in your life when you finally get it.

When, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries enough!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a blind

tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realized it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness,

safety, and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that you are neighter Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginning, for that matter) and that any gurantee of 'happily ever after" must begin with you.

And in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are and that's OK.

They are entitled to their own view and opinions and you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself.

And in the process, a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop

complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself.

And in the process, a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers. You begin to accept people as they are and over look their shortcoming and human failties.

And in the process, a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realized that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is a result of all the messages and opinions that havae been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.

You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing.

You begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown or should havae brough into to begin with

And in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing.

You stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" , looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holdds together the foundation upon which you must build life.

You learn that you don't know everything.

It's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsiblity and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say no.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. How to love. How much to give in love. When to stop giving and when to walk away.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have.

Then you stop trying to control people, situation, and outcomes and youlearn that alone does not mean lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want thing and to ask for the things you want. And sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindess, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less.

And you learn that your body really is your temple and you begin to

care for it and treat it with respect

You begin to eat a balance diet, drink more water and take more time to excercise. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you getin life what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything world achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working towards making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all . . . FEAR itself.

You learn to step right into and through your fears because youknow that whatever happens

you can handle it and to give into fear is to give away the right live life on your own terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living

under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair.

You don't always get what you think you deserve and the bad things happen to unsuspecting good people

On these occassions you learn to not personalize things.

YOu learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with eveil in its most primal state...the ego

You learn that negative feeling such anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and

redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about, a full refreigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly you begin to take responsiblity for yourself and by yourself and you make yourself a promise to nver betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind

And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand.

You take a deep breath and you begin to design, as best you can, the life you want to live.

The End