Another Day

Have you ever been in a place where you just wanted to laugh for an unknown reason? That suddenly pieces of life fit together rather humorously and you have to find reasons to just laugh? I'm there today, and really is has to do more with silence than words.

Words from long ago

I Need You Here With Me
I remember the day you died I didn’t stop to cry You took your last breath And I refused to believe you were dead I waited for you… To breathe again To make things better I prayed you would go You fought long enough I wish I could take that back I need you hear with me You were my life And I failed to see All the things you did for me I never told you ”thanks” Please hear me now Today I miss you Yesterday, I missed you Tomorrow comes and goes Leaving a void that is filled with missing you I need you here with me

Written Long Ago - Posting Now.

My life changed three years ago, April 10. Three years ago says, “Time to move on”. My flesh argues, “It seems like yesterday”. The clock shows 12:00 noon and the sun outside, brightly shining. I sit curled on the blue flowered couch that presses against the white bare wall, on the seventh floor of the Hospital. This floor designated as “Hospice”. People went there to die I didn’t know that. I watch longingly at this frail body, grasping for her everything breath; in hopes, the life changing before me would be a dream. At 2:30 that dream became a reality.
Three days later, a light rain permeates the city limits, a soft breeze to symbolize a welcome home. Many people pile into this place to pay their respect to a woman who brought joy and love to those she knew. Some came with tears and others, brought sighs of relief that graced their weary brows. This woman, too young to die. At 42, no one knows why cancer came and took her away, it just happens. Our cells begin to mutate and some are fortunate to prevail. She did, five long years, but that “stuff” (chemotherapy and radiation) kills all the good in you as well. Cancer, a losing battle, in this case. People knew her time was coming, but she fought a good fight – I thank her for that.
Listen. Songs begin to pour through speakers. Her favorite song, “Because you Loved Me” by Celine Dion is playing in the background. In a single file line one-by-one friends and family came. Some would stop and shake their heads as a single tear fell from their eyes others would not look her way – that memory they could not embrace. Many could not move paralyzed with so many emotions. A slight murmur begins to fill the vacant holes of sadness, “She’s in a better place, she’s not hurting anymore.”
The casket closes; six men dressed in black and white come to carry her to her final resting place. The preacher spoke again, “This is not a good-bye, but I’ll see you again”. With that I placed a single red rose on top of her casket, whispered, “I’m going to miss you, Mom”, and walked back to my car. The rain fell harder now: were they tears of sorrow? Did she cry when we all walked away?

It's Christmas.

Wow. I've taken a break from spending Christmas alone to coming to a friend's house in Houston. A really great friend that I can truly say has always been there, to mostly laugh all the laughs and at times like yesterday to cry the tears that just can't help but fall.

You see, yesterday her family had a Christmas/celebration of her Grandmother's 90th birthday. They took Christmas photos and tears were quick to come. I stepped outside to just look up into the sky and cry. I felt like I could, I was away from everyone, but the Christmas photos were one tradition that always existed in the Garcia family. All the families lining up, and again, this year, I would ache a little more as I chose to surround myself in a new atmosphere. I dreaded the idea, but new I couldn't hide from the "hurt" forever. I hate remembering the reality, and I'm just so thankful it was a cry that only silent tears covered the surface of my face, and not tears that brought me to my knees. I had my moment while they were finishing up and proceeded back inside.

Well, inside I lost it again, they began to sing Happy Birthday. Man, to spend the many more birthdays my mom and grandma should have had, I just buried my face in my arm (like I had a headache), and let tears continue to fall. I watched this 90 year old's woman every move that morning. I watched her use her walker as she prepared hot tea for me. I watched her share a few laughs with me. I watched her eyes light up and the sight of her family altogether. I watched, and I imagined. She's a lucky lady. A lucky lady who deserved her 90th birthday to be exactly as it was: Perfect.

I don't feel "cheated" and I'm not angry, but I am sad. I am sad, as the season rolls around and there are countless things I see that I know that would make them all happy. This season is a difficult one.

I never realized how the ache of losing mom flows in an unsteady stream. Some moments are easier than others, and some are flat out difficult. With grandma, man I miss her. I miss having a grandma, and her voice. I miss those ladies. I want them to know that. It's almost reallly Christmas, and as I share a few more laughs with the people around me, know that I picture you in the room laughing a long just as well.

Love you.

I guess this is it, another rambling post with nothing great to say.

Just A Day

I'm still SICK! It has been forever. My fear is that it's going to turn into pnemonia (sp?) then what? Geez. It doesn't help that my whole class is sniffing and blowing. Yuck. I just still have this annoying cough, that's it. *sigh* I hate the idea of "sick."

I'm not sure what has prompted me to write today, here. Just cause I guess :) I have no useless knowledge to share, yet, but if I type randomly for awhile I bet something will come out.

Well, I do know I have some silent thoughts. For now, I will shield from them for a few days longer. It's the change in the air. The transition from summer to fall that some emptiness begins to settle. It comes with every season.

Waiting for the perfect words.

Sick?

I hate being sick. The whole ordeal puts a damper on my day. Misery. If I'm not coughing, I'm trying NOT to cough. It's a miserable cycle. Here's what I don't get. I finally break down and go to the Doc in a box. I at least wanted to half way have half a weekend. So, I proceeded and was seen by a doctor for less than 5 minutes. He listened with his stethoscope and rendered a diagnosis. "Bronchitis." Just cause he was so quick, I asked how he knew...something about how the air is moving. That was it. Nice. Then, I go to check out, without insurance it was 158.00. Can you believe that? Highway robbery, seriously. No wonder our health care premiums are outrageous. That's it a stethoscope and a diagnosis for 158.00. Someone is getting cheated.

Nevertheless, medicine manifests in my system, and I think I may be on the up and up. I hope anyway. My kids feel really sorry for me, and offer that i come to their house so their parents can give me medicine. Sweet, but annoying. After, having to say at least 20 times a day, I'll be fine. Hello, that "I'll be fine" just wasted 2 minutes of instruction time! :) It's a tight ship these days.

Well, for now, sadly that is all I know. I know the cowboys play tonight. I know that I left my sunglasses at Kohl's and they had not been returned. That's sad to me. So, off I go again to invest in another pair. Yep, keeping it simple, yet real.

Until next time.

Forever Friend

I've watched a viscious cycle take its toll on a faraway friend. As a bystander I have often held my breath and "hoped" for the best. No, that's a lie. I always hoped life would be easier and her search for happiness would not be in a human. That's what I intrinsically hoped for. She found God again, and started a fruitful relationship, I was hoping that was enough. With kids, and the idea of a family always has a nice ring, but the "baggage" (for lack of better words) is sometimes not worth the trouble. It seems her entire young adulthood has been a struggle. I hate that for her. Yet, I hope even know in the midst of heartache she is clining more tightly to HIS promise.

Thinking about ya, kid!