It's Christmas.

Wow. I've taken a break from spending Christmas alone to coming to a friend's house in Houston. A really great friend that I can truly say has always been there, to mostly laugh all the laughs and at times like yesterday to cry the tears that just can't help but fall.

You see, yesterday her family had a Christmas/celebration of her Grandmother's 90th birthday. They took Christmas photos and tears were quick to come. I stepped outside to just look up into the sky and cry. I felt like I could, I was away from everyone, but the Christmas photos were one tradition that always existed in the Garcia family. All the families lining up, and again, this year, I would ache a little more as I chose to surround myself in a new atmosphere. I dreaded the idea, but new I couldn't hide from the "hurt" forever. I hate remembering the reality, and I'm just so thankful it was a cry that only silent tears covered the surface of my face, and not tears that brought me to my knees. I had my moment while they were finishing up and proceeded back inside.

Well, inside I lost it again, they began to sing Happy Birthday. Man, to spend the many more birthdays my mom and grandma should have had, I just buried my face in my arm (like I had a headache), and let tears continue to fall. I watched this 90 year old's woman every move that morning. I watched her use her walker as she prepared hot tea for me. I watched her share a few laughs with me. I watched her eyes light up and the sight of her family altogether. I watched, and I imagined. She's a lucky lady. A lucky lady who deserved her 90th birthday to be exactly as it was: Perfect.

I don't feel "cheated" and I'm not angry, but I am sad. I am sad, as the season rolls around and there are countless things I see that I know that would make them all happy. This season is a difficult one.

I never realized how the ache of losing mom flows in an unsteady stream. Some moments are easier than others, and some are flat out difficult. With grandma, man I miss her. I miss having a grandma, and her voice. I miss those ladies. I want them to know that. It's almost reallly Christmas, and as I share a few more laughs with the people around me, know that I picture you in the room laughing a long just as well.

Love you.

I guess this is it, another rambling post with nothing great to say.

Just A Day

I'm still SICK! It has been forever. My fear is that it's going to turn into pnemonia (sp?) then what? Geez. It doesn't help that my whole class is sniffing and blowing. Yuck. I just still have this annoying cough, that's it. *sigh* I hate the idea of "sick."

I'm not sure what has prompted me to write today, here. Just cause I guess :) I have no useless knowledge to share, yet, but if I type randomly for awhile I bet something will come out.

Well, I do know I have some silent thoughts. For now, I will shield from them for a few days longer. It's the change in the air. The transition from summer to fall that some emptiness begins to settle. It comes with every season.

Waiting for the perfect words.

Sick?

I hate being sick. The whole ordeal puts a damper on my day. Misery. If I'm not coughing, I'm trying NOT to cough. It's a miserable cycle. Here's what I don't get. I finally break down and go to the Doc in a box. I at least wanted to half way have half a weekend. So, I proceeded and was seen by a doctor for less than 5 minutes. He listened with his stethoscope and rendered a diagnosis. "Bronchitis." Just cause he was so quick, I asked how he knew...something about how the air is moving. That was it. Nice. Then, I go to check out, without insurance it was 158.00. Can you believe that? Highway robbery, seriously. No wonder our health care premiums are outrageous. That's it a stethoscope and a diagnosis for 158.00. Someone is getting cheated.

Nevertheless, medicine manifests in my system, and I think I may be on the up and up. I hope anyway. My kids feel really sorry for me, and offer that i come to their house so their parents can give me medicine. Sweet, but annoying. After, having to say at least 20 times a day, I'll be fine. Hello, that "I'll be fine" just wasted 2 minutes of instruction time! :) It's a tight ship these days.

Well, for now, sadly that is all I know. I know the cowboys play tonight. I know that I left my sunglasses at Kohl's and they had not been returned. That's sad to me. So, off I go again to invest in another pair. Yep, keeping it simple, yet real.

Until next time.

Forever Friend

I've watched a viscious cycle take its toll on a faraway friend. As a bystander I have often held my breath and "hoped" for the best. No, that's a lie. I always hoped life would be easier and her search for happiness would not be in a human. That's what I intrinsically hoped for. She found God again, and started a fruitful relationship, I was hoping that was enough. With kids, and the idea of a family always has a nice ring, but the "baggage" (for lack of better words) is sometimes not worth the trouble. It seems her entire young adulthood has been a struggle. I hate that for her. Yet, I hope even know in the midst of heartache she is clining more tightly to HIS promise.

Thinking about ya, kid!

Labor Day weekend

I'm thankful that I was afforded this three day weekend. I mean, to not have to go to a place I am liking less and less - is a great feeling! However, the near future I will find myself back in a room number (I always forget), with 16 children who prefer to chatter unproductively than to listen. Let me tell ya, I had been spoiled the last two years. I had the opportunity to loop with my kids and they knew my expectations to the "T" and there wasn't any of this "unproductive" chatter. I'm not one to like a silent classroom, but there sure is a difference between productive talk and talking because one doesn't want to try. Nice.

I've yet to do much, and I'm leery that I only have one day off so now I'm having those "what should I have done" regrets. Basically the highlight was taking Milo to PetSmart to "FLOOD" his being with dogs to help ease his fear. And well, that wasn't so particulary fun, he barks and others quickly sweep up their dogs in their arms! He's afraid. He sounds like he's mean, but really his hair is standing up on his back. So, people there don't help much. In return, Milo will not learn as quickly becuase owners around him are sensing the fear. It's a viscious circle. Go figure, Harley is timid around people and Milo around dogs not people. Of course, my life would be complex.

So today, I might go to church. I always have good intentions, and those good intentions can sometimes well be just that. It's only 8:20 now and I have almost an hour and a half to change my mind. Unforutnately, that comes more often than not. I always do not have a good reason. LIke today, will be because I'm typing this blog and SHOULD be doing laundry or vaccuming. And well, those are far more important. So it seems. Then, sometimes at the very last moment I start playing the Wii, and then I just get into my game and well can't just get up and leave. There are lots of unknowns, but they get me everytime.

Now, I wonder if they are any good movies out, because that seems like a nice escape. Because of course, I'm always in search of something, and even when I think I have found what I'm looking for, I continue to search. Is the feeling unknown? I'm not sure what all this searching about, but indeed that's what it is. Fatigued. It's probably because its feeling lots of holes with the "wrong" stuff or thing (someone would argue). My mind is delving too deep and I could go off on another tangent soon, but I will refrain. Maybe another day.

Day #2

Ha! You have to be careful who reads this! Lots of speculation, I wonder if there lies guilt?

You gotta love these!

*Two names you go by
1. Amy
2. Rios

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. tank top
2. adidas shorts

*Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. breakfast2. everyone knows this one about me...don't have to say it
2. For a clean house!


*Two things you ate today
I haven't. Prolly yogurt in a few minutes.

*Two people you last spoke to:
1. Mary
2. Ed

*Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. going to the gym
2. and praying the weekend doesn't come super fast!


*Two longest car rides:
1. Galveston!!
2. Abilene


*Two favorite beverages:
1. sweet tea
2. caramel java chiller
(Me too, Missy - or Einsteins bagels has a really good frozen coffee drink!!!)

Now, here's what you're supposed to do ... And please do not spoil the Fun. Copy and paste this to a new email, delete my answers, and type in your answers.Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.