Deep Inside Part 1

I have tried to imagine this world, filled with color. One that I think I may have missed out on, hopefully by choice. I've tried to soak in the meaning of life and simply allowing the vapors to permeate my skin, hoping that I'll reach the "full" state. Yet, I yearn or more. I have no words to describe this yearning; just a piece of me wnats something out of this life I don't think I can ever achieve. Right, of course, I want the answers to all my enduring questions. I want a picture of safety and hope, those of which I "know" but can't seen to hold to.

My imagination allos me capture a variety of instances and none of which I am content with; I seem to be on the look out of for more, hopefully swaying in the "right" direction. My minberates the very idea that the past is indeed the past, and amy psychoanalytical babble will not allow these very instances to subside or cease to exist. The past is what I've tried all this time to walk away from, and it keeps chasing me! I want the action to be subtle, like drawing the shade of a curtain and being "done" for lack of a better word. The effort requires much. It requires acknowledgement and letting guilt and shame roll off my entire being refusing to live the rest of my life in this state of protective fear. My silent demands are loud, yet my actions are few. How do you learn to value the person you've put a barge around out of protection? I mean you simply accepted that you were to exist and whatever that looked like was perfectly fine? As I dig deeper into trenches, shuddering with fear I can't help but wonder how this all came about, when did it all begin? In some instances, I ask myself "What have I ever done?" My intenetion was to be seen and not heard and did my best to just keep to myself and this is what you get?

Yet, just as quickly the glance meets the eyes of my mother. I am tempted to remove my eyes from her, yet I remain locked unable to move. As I try to look past the person she tried to be, I carry an emptiness I can't quite explain. I push forward, again, attempting to move my eyes away from this person, for what she was, what..she..si., and now here I am, left with only a legacy to replace the heartache of loss, even if the wording remains simple. I noticed in this moment of imagery I begain to take a step forward, almost as if she is drawing me in, and I resist. Instead, anger fills every crevice of my body and the words "I Hate You" are the the first things to emerge. She was dying, was it easier to be mean and hateful to think eventually this loss would become easier to bear? Time and time again. I put myself in a position of difficult rearing. I refused even those who loved me to guide me down a path that may have been more certain, but who are you kidding; I couldn't dare take another risk. I took risks, in silence. I took risks and the risk which would have been labeled "good" and fair I turned away from, and no one knew quite how to reach me in this state. I refused to allow this outer barrier to be broken. I fought with everything in me, my wit, and my humor to protet "that" person inside a hurting soul.

Dear Friend.

Ok, so here's the gist. Wait, let's create some mind pictures....

You are surrounded by a plethora of human beings. They are not just ORDINARY human beings, they are people who get suckered in. What am I talking about? They fall in love with the IDEA of love. You know, someone always being there, someone to care for, the fairy tale lifestyle (to me, you still become more of the cinderella), the common saying, "Oh its for the kids", and the list goes on. Why? It's the idea, that people like to play house for a little while. Despite the constant mistakes of their "lover" they take them back OR GO back for, what reason? Is sex that important? No, wait...it's being in love...."I love him." No, you don't trust yourself or whatever your belief is that there is something better for you out there.
Have you listened to my song on myspace? For those who are dying to find this love in somenone who has failed you, really take a listen, becuase there is more to life than playing house. For those of you captured in a circle of lies and "take you backs" trust something other than your gut this time. There are some who have been wiser and then there are some of those who play the SAME game with the SAME result HOPING that "he's changed" - PLEASE.

Usually something, like that, so I have heard in my counseling 101 class that's a pure image of "insanity" and Freud said this, I have APA citation if you need it.

Here's another picture to consider:

You and him, in love, three kids. What more can u ask for? No picket white fence, but a husband and some kids. Anyone can look at this picture and think "WOW" she has it all, the woman living it "WOW, I have it all." It's all the good she presses hard to see! She looks for ALL the good, despite the flaws that lie right in front of her face. She refuses to look, she refuses to embrace the reality, that you know, sometimes it just doesn't work out. Back and forth, back and forth does nothing but create boundary after boundary. You will take him back regardeless, why change when he can play you?

Oh, and then...what ABOUT those kids?

A longwinded friend, a concerned friend...but nonetheless I have no control :( Remember, missy we go back to Kinder, I'm good at this stuff!!