5 years ago I was in the madness of tending to a one month old.  I was new, naive, and overwhelmed about how much this little life needed so much of me.  On June 2, 2015 I held the same little girl who took my breath away.  Only this time, my tears were not of "how do I do this?", but of a sense of pride I never thought was imaginable.  You see, my little girl accepted her diploma for surviving Pre-K.  Yes, that's it.  She successfully participated in a moment of time that encouraged her more deeply to learn her colors, numbers, and letter sounds, and to put those sounds together and make words.  She cemented how to write her name more clearly and how to spell her friends names.  Pre-K, my little one finished Pre-K.  (sort of makes my ovary hurt)

Her life took another turn on me right before my eyes.  I watched as my little girl gathered all her friends and was this miraculous social butterfly.  She hugged and greeted all her friends by name.  She looked for them eagerly if they stepped away.  My, little girl embracing the relationships she has formed.  It was awesome to see in such a short time frame how she blossomed into having so much charisma, intelligence, and love.  Time, where do you go?  I repeat.

I've become one of those people, who is reflecting on the phrase "Time goes by fast, enjoy all the moments."  I read that countless times and now I feel like I've become one of "those" who want to urge everyone else to partake in those words that hold so much depth and meaning, and yet time.  I've learned, I'm always in a race, a race with myself, a race with my life, a race with each day.  For 60 months I've raced, I've fed, I've bathed, I've hugged, I've sang, I've talked, I've played.  Today, I realize, those moments were in the palm of my hand.  I loved those moments.  I love the silent giggles, the "I love you mama", the silly phrases of "No, I'm yours.  No, you're mine."  The little girl who would give anything to fall asleep on my shoulder.  Wow.  Moments.  Fleeting moments.  The depth of my love, does she understand, will it ever be cemented as deeply as I feel?

I remember the pain of losing my mom. I watch the years of my life go by and have to stop and catch my breath.  THIS is what it felt like.  THIS is what it means.  THIS is what it feels like to think you're failing everyday, only to find out love is like that.

Happy Birthday, Olivia!

 Olivia Turns 5!

1….2…3….4…5…. Just as quick as that 2015 has arrived.  You, my daughter, are turning five in less than 24 hours.  It’s amazing to see the little girl you are becoming.  You are strong.  You are brave.  You are a leader.  Every year layers of you emerge as you begin to transition from mama’s baby girl to a little girl all your own.  You certainly have your own idea of how things should be or the outcomes that should exist.  However, sometimes, my dear, you get them wrong.  Together, we are learning to communicate, to exist, and to grow.  You know exactly what you want, and I know exactly what you need and luck would have it those aren’t always the same.  As your journey around the sun for another year begins I have to admit that in five short years I have failed you many times.  Thank you for forgiving me.  I’m sure there will be many more times.

 I have the greatest responsibility to guide you, teach you, and love you unconditionally.  We have lots to learn, you and I.  Remember, this is my first rodeo.  You have challenged me.  You have certainly left me speechless.  However, you have made me smile more and laugh often.  You amaze me with your gifts of thoughtfulness and friendliness.  You have so much love inside that little body of yours. 

You know, this is THE year you have waited for.  The year you begin a “big” school.  My little one, you will begin to read more and write often.  You will begin to form opinions all your own and will see mine as useless and/or ridiculous.  I am not ready for this.  I am ready to see you become something great.  I am ready to cheer you on as you begin to pursue your passions. 

Olivia, for many reasons you are my everything.  Your countless “I love yous” are the beginning and end of all my days.  The need to be held or to be close to mom are something I always welcome.  As, I hold you now you don’t quite fit in my lap like you used to.  Your legs are longer and you hold on tighter.  YOU…are the best gift I’ve been given. 

Happy Birthday, Baby O.  Here’s to another year.

Love, Mom