March 3

What a wonderfully spent day with Olivia Bea. She got to experience Sesame Street Live and she was extremely excited to see all the characters. It then, reminded me of my own adventure with my mom to see Sesame Street Live. I had totally forgotten about it until something triggered the memory while being overly stimulated :) I guess, perhaps it is even in this time mo still gets to exist in my life. The memories, the thoughts, the choices I make seem to be guided somehow. That's a reassuring thought. Aside, from the toddler adventure - today is *YOUR* birthday. Another year down, today would have made 54. Time has gone by so fast, yet so slow I can't quite figure which word clearly labels this passage of time. In moments it seems like yesterday, in others I'm struggling to hold on to the memory. Wow. Although, seldom talked of you carry a large portion of my thoughts and for those I'm extremely grateful.

I miss you, and thanks for watching out for us!

Love,
Me.

Olivia Bea

Two years is quickly approaching and the once newborn I held in my arms is becoming quite the entertainer. She has brought so much joy and life into my world that I couldn't ask for anything more. My days are filled with wonder and awe as I embrace our every days. I sure hope I'm doing "this" right. Although, I know He wouldn't give me more than I can handle, that's for sure. Olivie Bea, you are everything to me. I hope I am able to slow down more often and enjoy the small moments with you. Not to mention, it's these two years that have flown by. Slow down little one.

Love,
Mom

Pride

Pride
my enemy
my shield
my prison
blinding me to the truth
blinding me to the Truth
causeing me to hold my hurt
so no one ill see
so no one will know
how weak I really am

written 1998

Apologies

I'm sorry.

I truly am.

I'm sorry for you
who have nnot known

evil
or

darkness
neglect or
harsh words
harsh hands
long illnesses or
suffering of any king
shape or form

Not that it's plesant
but it's the stuff that this world's cursed with
You'll never be able to empathize
You'll never have the privilege
of seeing the difference
when the Lord takes you
out from the Darkness
into His light

They say that Precious objects
shine brighter against a black background

You know what?

They're right.

1998

2006

Song by Jeremy Camp.

Deep Inside Part 1

I have tried to imagine this world, filled with color. One that I think I may have missed out on, hopefully by choice. I've tried to soak in the meaning of life and simply allowing the vapors to permeate my skin, hoping that I'll reach the "full" state. Yet, I yearn or more. I have no words to describe this yearning; just a piece of me wnats something out of this life I don't think I can ever achieve. Right, of course, I want the answers to all my enduring questions. I want a picture of safety and hope, those of which I "know" but can't seen to hold to.

My imagination allos me capture a variety of instances and none of which I am content with; I seem to be on the look out of for more, hopefully swaying in the "right" direction. My minberates the very idea that the past is indeed the past, and amy psychoanalytical babble will not allow these very instances to subside or cease to exist. The past is what I've tried all this time to walk away from, and it keeps chasing me! I want the action to be subtle, like drawing the shade of a curtain and being "done" for lack of a better word. The effort requires much. It requires acknowledgement and letting guilt and shame roll off my entire being refusing to live the rest of my life in this state of protective fear. My silent demands are loud, yet my actions are few. How do you learn to value the person you've put a barge around out of protection? I mean you simply accepted that you were to exist and whatever that looked like was perfectly fine? As I dig deeper into trenches, shuddering with fear I can't help but wonder how this all came about, when did it all begin? In some instances, I ask myself "What have I ever done?" My intenetion was to be seen and not heard and did my best to just keep to myself and this is what you get?

Yet, just as quickly the glance meets the eyes of my mother. I am tempted to remove my eyes from her, yet I remain locked unable to move. As I try to look past the person she tried to be, I carry an emptiness I can't quite explain. I push forward, again, attempting to move my eyes away from this person, for what she was, what..she..si., and now here I am, left with only a legacy to replace the heartache of loss, even if the wording remains simple. I noticed in this moment of imagery I begain to take a step forward, almost as if she is drawing me in, and I resist. Instead, anger fills every crevice of my body and the words "I Hate You" are the the first things to emerge. She was dying, was it easier to be mean and hateful to think eventually this loss would become easier to bear? Time and time again. I put myself in a position of difficult rearing. I refused even those who loved me to guide me down a path that may have been more certain, but who are you kidding; I couldn't dare take another risk. I took risks, in silence. I took risks and the risk which would have been labeled "good" and fair I turned away from, and no one knew quite how to reach me in this state. I refused to allow this outer barrier to be broken. I fought with everything in me, my wit, and my humor to protet "that" person inside a hurting soul.

A Find

What I hope is that YOU have found what you are looking for as you peruse my endless words. Here lies thoughts and feelings that needed a place to reside. The truth hurts and no one wants to involve themselves in those words - so stop reading incase YOU find yourself hidden in these words.

Just so you know.