Publicity Stunt?

Seriously, my life is this complex. However, I've chosen to make it easier.

So, this story begins this way: It's the Race for the Cure event Easter weekend. Okay, a notable event which thousands come together to walk for all sorts of reasons: hope, grief and love. They all have their reasons. My purpose is to publicly honor those I have lost. It's not a single moment that becomes the ONLY day I think, honor or remember them it's a daily thing in my life. However, here is one interval in time, that I share that same hurt or hope for others in one event.

There were a few who decided to get together and participate in this event. Yes, it was really cold and even got to finish the race in the snow, but what a very cool way. Remember that song, "I run for life, I run for hope/all that is true" that song does not signify one time, one event, or one purpose. It's again, the mere idea that you run for the lives of others.
Well, after the race I stood to watch all the survivors standing on steps, celebrating their life for that day. The happiness on their faces could be the first time in a long time. Or, it could have been the last time that happiness will grace their sphere before they part from this world. One moment, one time to truly step out of your own selfish bubble and stand in celebration (yet sorrow) for the lives lost and the lives celebrated.

If you are not familiar with the event: In an enclosed area there are booths and food that fill the empty places. There are different booths that participate in gaining awareness through their own personal logo to advertise for themselves. Why not? These are people that believe in finding a cure or at least have some respect for the event. A clear example a corporate company I once visited talk about their participation in the event. For what reason? They were affected in someway, perhaps someone they lost or the celebration of others. I remember the day. It was at Pier 1. I bought a screen there and they were telling us about the reason for selling pink candles. Everyone has their reason, people don't show up to just throw out their name.

Ok, with that said. Back to my story.

So, here I am at the event. Three people (after gathering free stuff) decided they would go wait in the car. Seriously, they came for free stuff? Seriously.

After the walk, and the tears just began to fall as I watched all these women stand on these risers celebrating their life. The fear, the constant bad news, the hope - this day it was worth it. For one day, they got to share with the thousands their celebration of life. Yes, for those who have lost it sucks to see that, and you kick yourself wondering why it can't be you and those you have lost. Selfish? Of course, but they wouldn't want us to regret and become bitter at the lives of others.

I walk back to the car, with the tears in my eyes and I enter the car with a heavy heart. I did not speak (for several reasons) one the bitter sweet experience watching those women, and the wish and just missing, to just disappointment that one would sign up for something to gather free stuff and not even participate in the event. Why even come? Oh, free stuff.
I'm finally asked why I am crying. My response they suffer 7 years and 1 hour in the cold. That's the way I saw the event, as well. You walk for their life and the moments they suffered. Some dealt with it most often and more closely, I'm walking for the reason why I couldn't always be there and to suffer in the cold or hot. I can't give those people 7 years of suffering but I can give them a piece each time I participate.

Then, I get these harsh words of discontentment of how they grieve. I said, "that's the way you choose to deal with it." That was my consistent response. I didn't raise my voice or slander them harshly, those were my only words I exchanged.

Now, someone who I thought would just take the words, because of course if you don't want to know then don't ask, I didn't offer anything. She goes off, and says very angrily, "I'm pissed!" Who made her mad? Was it because her grief is hidden behind anger and regret? I don't know, but she got really angry. My response remained the same. It gets better. She goes off that the whole event is a publicity stunt. I'm thinking, then why the hell do you participate? For the shirt? For the free stuff? For what reason would you just give your money if you did not approve the reason? Seeing my problem?

It was the most disappointing day of my life. I deserve an apology to be treated with such disrespect of raising voice of "I'm pissed" and the words tearing through my mind that it's all a publicity stunt. I want her to tell those people who were standing up there celebrating their life. I want her to come up their face and raise her voice exchanging those words to them. Crush their heart and spirit, go right ahead, I dare you.

Talk about disappointment. I wish I was in the wrong again this time. I wish I was the one who yelled and convinced them what horrible people they were, but I ended my thoughts with "That's how you choose to deal with it" ashamed I know them.
Another tough blow. If you participate int he event get your reasons in order. Every time I have done it, I don't cry as near as hard as I did this time, because I got to stick around to see the end because I wasn't being rushed. But, as I've walked and heard the song by Melissa Ethridge my throat gets tight and several tears from my eyes. For personal reasons, and for the lives that walk around me.

Again, another experience shared with my students. I showed them that their behavior isn't worth a plastic toy you will lose in a few days. Your behavior is because you feel good about yourself and the reasons why you choose your behavior. I'm not expecting perfection or allow them to mess up. Students are often in search for some monetary thing, and what's more important a plastic toy i can get in abundance for them to lose, or awareness that in life, all those things don't measure what's in your heart.

I had one of my students (I teach 4th grade) who sent me an email and said, "Miss Rios, I'm glad you do it for the right reason, forgive those who weren't good." A fourth grade student in my class who can convey such meaning. That's the worth in what I do
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People are shallow and Takers. Again, from the same people I see the same pattern. Its sad that people can be like this.

Hidden Words

I found these words hidden in a tight space, needing to be rediscovered once, again.

Before I begin, I've taken a liking to a "new song" (this occurs on a daily basis). Right now, Start a Fire by Among Thorns

"Start a fire in me Let the flames run free Burn away the dross Holy Fire of God..."
A daily prayer.

There's always so much more I want to say, actually, so much more I want to feel. My defenses keep me from trying - afraid of the unknown. Where does this fear come from? Where does the reluctant part of me, hide? I know it's to come out, I'm an adult. What is the resistance

I'm confident. (Notice the reassuring). I'm confident in my abilities but not in who I am. Who I am is: fragile, delicaetd, and need to be protected, right?

Somedays my life is really overwhelming and death seems convenient. My life is not "full" and oh, the unknown. This scared I feel is different from all those years, for the mere reason what's done is done. Finality. There is no time to "fix it" or "make it" better. She's gone, period. I have no one to argue that statement. This wound is deeper than what all those men have done to me, and I would rather ENDURE that than this loss, right here. It's crippling, because for a second you have what seems like the world, and then you have nothing. I feel like I'm doing thing all wrong, this is the time in my life when independence is pushed, people my age learning to "live" without support.

It's backwards for me, I have the independence down, and it has become the root of all evil. This whole thing is like learning to walk in an open area with nothing to catch you when you fall, nothing to set your "eye" on as a means for a "finish line." I' mscared of the days I need something, and know it, and can't articulate it.

My goodbye may be the one of many that need to come and, I'm scared of that, I'm scared to wake up one day, and think "oh yeah, she was alive once." That's where I sink. When coupled with my life that awaits me, and searching endlessly for something to hold to, and again I find myself, the one person who always fails. Me. Fine person to hold to.

My mind races, my heart beats at all the emotios I have trained myself to deny. We are talking about transitions here that people don't make quite yet.

As I feel like I need to convince someone "Moms are supposed to be around longer than 42 years, right?"

I'm finding like hell, becaus I know what she would want, I know what I always wanted, but her loss devastates me. The memories I have of her, her breathing, cause me to frantically want to pray for Him to not allow her to die. "Goodbye" - coming closer to reality. Accepting, not entirely.

Searching, I am. Searching for something in my life to make it complete.

To be continued.....