Hidden Words

I found these words hidden in a tight space, needing to be rediscovered once, again.

Before I begin, I've taken a liking to a "new song" (this occurs on a daily basis). Right now, Start a Fire by Among Thorns

"Start a fire in me Let the flames run free Burn away the dross Holy Fire of God..."
A daily prayer.

There's always so much more I want to say, actually, so much more I want to feel. My defenses keep me from trying - afraid of the unknown. Where does this fear come from? Where does the reluctant part of me, hide? I know it's to come out, I'm an adult. What is the resistance

I'm confident. (Notice the reassuring). I'm confident in my abilities but not in who I am. Who I am is: fragile, delicaetd, and need to be protected, right?

Somedays my life is really overwhelming and death seems convenient. My life is not "full" and oh, the unknown. This scared I feel is different from all those years, for the mere reason what's done is done. Finality. There is no time to "fix it" or "make it" better. She's gone, period. I have no one to argue that statement. This wound is deeper than what all those men have done to me, and I would rather ENDURE that than this loss, right here. It's crippling, because for a second you have what seems like the world, and then you have nothing. I feel like I'm doing thing all wrong, this is the time in my life when independence is pushed, people my age learning to "live" without support.

It's backwards for me, I have the independence down, and it has become the root of all evil. This whole thing is like learning to walk in an open area with nothing to catch you when you fall, nothing to set your "eye" on as a means for a "finish line." I' mscared of the days I need something, and know it, and can't articulate it.

My goodbye may be the one of many that need to come and, I'm scared of that, I'm scared to wake up one day, and think "oh yeah, she was alive once." That's where I sink. When coupled with my life that awaits me, and searching endlessly for something to hold to, and again I find myself, the one person who always fails. Me. Fine person to hold to.

My mind races, my heart beats at all the emotios I have trained myself to deny. We are talking about transitions here that people don't make quite yet.

As I feel like I need to convince someone "Moms are supposed to be around longer than 42 years, right?"

I'm finding like hell, becaus I know what she would want, I know what I always wanted, but her loss devastates me. The memories I have of her, her breathing, cause me to frantically want to pray for Him to not allow her to die. "Goodbye" - coming closer to reality. Accepting, not entirely.

Searching, I am. Searching for something in my life to make it complete.

To be continued.....