I'm thankful that I was afforded this three day weekend. I mean, to not have to go to a place I am liking less and less - is a great feeling! However, the near future I will find myself back in a room number (I always forget), with 16 children who prefer to chatter unproductively than to listen. Let me tell ya, I had been spoiled the last two years. I had the opportunity to loop with my kids and they knew my expectations to the "T" and there wasn't any of this "unproductive" chatter. I'm not one to like a silent classroom, but there sure is a difference between productive talk and talking because one doesn't want to try. Nice.
I've yet to do much, and I'm leery that I only have one day off so now I'm having those "what should I have done" regrets. Basically the highlight was taking Milo to PetSmart to "FLOOD" his being with dogs to help ease his fear. And well, that wasn't so particulary fun, he barks and others quickly sweep up their dogs in their arms! He's afraid. He sounds like he's mean, but really his hair is standing up on his back. So, people there don't help much. In return, Milo will not learn as quickly becuase owners around him are sensing the fear. It's a viscious circle. Go figure, Harley is timid around people and Milo around dogs not people. Of course, my life would be complex.
So today, I might go to church. I always have good intentions, and those good intentions can sometimes well be just that. It's only 8:20 now and I have almost an hour and a half to change my mind. Unforutnately, that comes more often than not. I always do not have a good reason. LIke today, will be because I'm typing this blog and SHOULD be doing laundry or vaccuming. And well, those are far more important. So it seems. Then, sometimes at the very last moment I start playing the Wii, and then I just get into my game and well can't just get up and leave. There are lots of unknowns, but they get me everytime.
Now, I wonder if they are any good movies out, because that seems like a nice escape. Because of course, I'm always in search of something, and even when I think I have found what I'm looking for, I continue to search. Is the feeling unknown? I'm not sure what all this searching about, but indeed that's what it is. Fatigued. It's probably because its feeling lots of holes with the "wrong" stuff or thing (someone would argue). My mind is delving too deep and I could go off on another tangent soon, but I will refrain. Maybe another day.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Day #2
Ha! You have to be careful who reads this! Lots of speculation, I wonder if there lies guilt?
Thursday, August 14, 2008
You gotta love these!
*Two names you go by
1. Amy
2. Rios
Two things you are wearing right now:
1. tank top
2. adidas shorts
*Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. breakfast2. everyone knows this one about me...don't have to say it
2. For a clean house!
*Two things you ate today
I haven't. Prolly yogurt in a few minutes.
*Two people you last spoke to:
1. Mary
2. Ed
*Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. going to the gym
2. and praying the weekend doesn't come super fast!
*Two longest car rides:
1. Galveston!!
2. Abilene
*Two favorite beverages:
1. sweet tea
2. caramel java chiller
(Me too, Missy - or Einsteins bagels has a really good frozen coffee drink!!!)
Now, here's what you're supposed to do ... And please do not spoil the Fun. Copy and paste this to a new email, delete my answers, and type in your answers.Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.
1. Amy
2. Rios
Two things you are wearing right now:
1. tank top
2. adidas shorts
*Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. breakfast2. everyone knows this one about me...don't have to say it
2. For a clean house!
*Two things you ate today
I haven't. Prolly yogurt in a few minutes.
*Two people you last spoke to:
1. Mary
2. Ed
*Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. going to the gym
2. and praying the weekend doesn't come super fast!
*Two longest car rides:
1. Galveston!!
2. Abilene
*Two favorite beverages:
1. sweet tea
2. caramel java chiller
(Me too, Missy - or Einsteins bagels has a really good frozen coffee drink!!!)
Now, here's what you're supposed to do ... And please do not spoil the Fun. Copy and paste this to a new email, delete my answers, and type in your answers.Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Another Day in Hospice
I wrote this last summer as I was sitting at Hendricks on the Hospice floor once again.
I’m sitting here, again. The year 2007, and the situation is no different. It’s the same smile, the same pain, the same “look.” Cancer doesn’t change shape no matter whom it attaches itself to, it’s there mutating, claiming the life of the one who bears the pain. It’s with a heavy heart, I sit here, again. My mind has the same thought process. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? I’ve looked into the same pair of eyes claiming the want to end the pain. The comfort of “I love you” but…. The pain, the pain is far greater than I could ever fathom. It’s the third time I hear those words. It’s the same tears I’ve cried out of selfishness. Again, another tear. Again, another heavy heart that sits with silence. My heart pours onto this page, but there’s not much to say. There are words that cannot express what dwells deep into my soul. I think the plethora of thoughts exudes beyond the cries of my heart. The thought becomes deep within my soul. I, at this moment, am broken on the inside. What’s the difference? There’s not, it will happen every time death knocks on the door of someone I love. What could I have done different? I wasn’t good enough. I could’ve loved more. You know, those same plaguing thoughts that consume anyone. Then, there’s nothing about the present. I cannot look at the past or future. I have today, to experience, to share in tears and laughter. You know the feeling when your being wants to make a sound that between frustration and disgust. A deep rooted sound that resounds, but stays buried underneath. It’s that calm before the storm. The calm of the scream or the tears will emerge in pain. So many can identify with “this” pain, yet I have to own this one, different from the next, nonetheless a sense of loss and hurt.
No one deserves what I have to see this sickness I see right now. NO ONE! Yet, there is a room full of Hospice people watching the people they love holding on to life, not wanting to face the idea and to hold on to what is real. The voices, the touch, the laughter of family of friends who share about old times, it’s a soothing sound, a sound that would be so hard to want to let go. (There’s that sound again.) Then, the other day this cry out to God demanding the want to die, she has prayed and prayed to end the suffering she has endured (I’ll never forget those words and the agony behind them). “Please God, I’m ready to go.” What is your response? What can you do? Do you affirm that, “ok” and be content that she is right and it’s ok to have this prayer?
Seriously, all that’s left are hugs that will last a life time. (There’s that sound again.) They fade. That hug that fell over my grandma, gone. What did that feel life? The last hug I gave my mom. What? It existed. The idea is there, but the touch. Not only is the loss by not seeing them anymore. What about that touch? The embrace by grandma that is indescribable. You see, one more person and your memory becomes a whirlwind spiraling around and around, hoping the feeling is JUST LIKE you’ve experienced before so the pain will not be different and you can convince yourself that “I’ve been through this” and you take a deep breath and enter right now in a different manner. Nope, or is it?
Who knows. No one welcomes death, especially those who sit and watch a life lose its shape. This time, you don’t have to wonder what’s going through her mind. She has verbalized very clearly what is plaguing her thoughts. The two other times, silence. There’s nothing to be said, it’s too hard. “I don’t want to die.” They had a life they can never replace and the pain they felt. She feels pain, but she’s hoping she can convince herself that death doesn’t scare her. She worries that something will go wrong and no one will be here, to comfort, to give her peace that she’s not alone. She wants to hold on or is it that she just wants the security of someone who loves her, knowing that again, she’s not alone. This is a big thing. A moment in their life where you can’t leave those who are preparing to die alone, a fear of death? No, a fear that they “wake up” and no one is here. Someone SHOULD be here. What reason, every morning she woke up for 62 years, 42 years old they woke up without the thought of someone was there when they awoke. They didn’t have this anxiety if they couldn’t see someone. This time, it’s the act of a little child; it’s the mind of a child who searches from the comfort in the presence of someone else. They go from a strong-willed adult to a plea of childlikeness. Who can blame them? Who can’t blame the need for other people to give them whatever they need, immediately. You don’t have a child who you want to make sure comforts are present. This is it, they are not just born, they are just dying. They are only little for a little while and they are just older for a little while, no one stuck in their “age” for a long period of time. You can only do what you can in their NOW despite the length of time.
I’m sitting here, again. The year 2007, and the situation is no different. It’s the same smile, the same pain, the same “look.” Cancer doesn’t change shape no matter whom it attaches itself to, it’s there mutating, claiming the life of the one who bears the pain. It’s with a heavy heart, I sit here, again. My mind has the same thought process. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? I’ve looked into the same pair of eyes claiming the want to end the pain. The comfort of “I love you” but…. The pain, the pain is far greater than I could ever fathom. It’s the third time I hear those words. It’s the same tears I’ve cried out of selfishness. Again, another tear. Again, another heavy heart that sits with silence. My heart pours onto this page, but there’s not much to say. There are words that cannot express what dwells deep into my soul. I think the plethora of thoughts exudes beyond the cries of my heart. The thought becomes deep within my soul. I, at this moment, am broken on the inside. What’s the difference? There’s not, it will happen every time death knocks on the door of someone I love. What could I have done different? I wasn’t good enough. I could’ve loved more. You know, those same plaguing thoughts that consume anyone. Then, there’s nothing about the present. I cannot look at the past or future. I have today, to experience, to share in tears and laughter. You know the feeling when your being wants to make a sound that between frustration and disgust. A deep rooted sound that resounds, but stays buried underneath. It’s that calm before the storm. The calm of the scream or the tears will emerge in pain. So many can identify with “this” pain, yet I have to own this one, different from the next, nonetheless a sense of loss and hurt.
No one deserves what I have to see this sickness I see right now. NO ONE! Yet, there is a room full of Hospice people watching the people they love holding on to life, not wanting to face the idea and to hold on to what is real. The voices, the touch, the laughter of family of friends who share about old times, it’s a soothing sound, a sound that would be so hard to want to let go. (There’s that sound again.) Then, the other day this cry out to God demanding the want to die, she has prayed and prayed to end the suffering she has endured (I’ll never forget those words and the agony behind them). “Please God, I’m ready to go.” What is your response? What can you do? Do you affirm that, “ok” and be content that she is right and it’s ok to have this prayer?
Seriously, all that’s left are hugs that will last a life time. (There’s that sound again.) They fade. That hug that fell over my grandma, gone. What did that feel life? The last hug I gave my mom. What? It existed. The idea is there, but the touch. Not only is the loss by not seeing them anymore. What about that touch? The embrace by grandma that is indescribable. You see, one more person and your memory becomes a whirlwind spiraling around and around, hoping the feeling is JUST LIKE you’ve experienced before so the pain will not be different and you can convince yourself that “I’ve been through this” and you take a deep breath and enter right now in a different manner. Nope, or is it?
Who knows. No one welcomes death, especially those who sit and watch a life lose its shape. This time, you don’t have to wonder what’s going through her mind. She has verbalized very clearly what is plaguing her thoughts. The two other times, silence. There’s nothing to be said, it’s too hard. “I don’t want to die.” They had a life they can never replace and the pain they felt. She feels pain, but she’s hoping she can convince herself that death doesn’t scare her. She worries that something will go wrong and no one will be here, to comfort, to give her peace that she’s not alone. She wants to hold on or is it that she just wants the security of someone who loves her, knowing that again, she’s not alone. This is a big thing. A moment in their life where you can’t leave those who are preparing to die alone, a fear of death? No, a fear that they “wake up” and no one is here. Someone SHOULD be here. What reason, every morning she woke up for 62 years, 42 years old they woke up without the thought of someone was there when they awoke. They didn’t have this anxiety if they couldn’t see someone. This time, it’s the act of a little child; it’s the mind of a child who searches from the comfort in the presence of someone else. They go from a strong-willed adult to a plea of childlikeness. Who can blame them? Who can’t blame the need for other people to give them whatever they need, immediately. You don’t have a child who you want to make sure comforts are present. This is it, they are not just born, they are just dying. They are only little for a little while and they are just older for a little while, no one stuck in their “age” for a long period of time. You can only do what you can in their NOW despite the length of time.
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