This time, the year is 2007. Cancer has invaded itself once again. How many times I questioningly ask someone/something. I fight back tears as I busy myself again, with things of this world. I've woken up from a nap and I sob, again. Why does it mutate itself so quickly? I may not be the best at "being around" all the time. However, I know about the idea of love and how much it means to someone to show that you care, even if the life is not to last forever. I spent three days watching, helping, waiting to see in which way I can help. I've relieved people, I've adminstered medication, and I've sat holding back tears, the same repitious moments just like before. Today, my first day back at home, exhausted from the three days, bad news is yet to come. I have dentist appointments, appointments for my lasik because the healing process is slower than they'd like. What do I do? These things have to be done! I think, what's important? My aunt it, but I have to take care of myself too, I can't make allow myself to create any complications. A heavy sigh.
The first day. Tuesday afternoon around 2:20, I arrive at my destination. "Auntie" I call her. I walk in amongst all the paper signing of "do not resucitate" forms and the waiting for a room in a hospice. I'm greeted with they only give her four months to live, and the look in her eyes, tells me something different. (Yet, when I look at her I break down, she looks EXACTLY like my mom and grandma, no hair, same eyes, same face, same color)
I go to hug her to wrap my arms around her crushed. She says "Come with me to my bedroom" and I completely lose all I have told myself I was going to hold onto. She tells me the grim tale of the doctors orders and sobs relentlessly. I grasp back, again, not wanting cancer to claim another soul. She looks at me and says "I want to give you this" its a pink bracelt with the words "I LOve You" inscribed. "Mija, who's going to watch out for you?" I cry again, the same comforting sounds "I'll be okay" - really, is that how it works? I'll be okay!!!! I have to, three times I'll have it down this time. This pink bracelt is steadily put on my wrist and then she kisses it, and tells me she loves me. We head back the the living room. She demands "I'm ready to die, why won't God just take me! I pray and pray and he won't take me!" How do you console something who demands the need to leave this world? Do you say, "Umm..no we are selffish and want you to stay?" That's not right. You can only nod with a heavy heart. She looks at me "I see your mom and grandma waiting for me, but I'm not playing any BINGO when I get there, they're too crazy!" I tell myself, a quick smile, a quick smile and all I have are more tears. Devastated. Breathless. Worried. Selffish.
I hate to be selffish to hold on so tightly. I'm guilty.
Friday, I'm here and I get a phone call. My other aunt calls and tells me things are not looking good, they had to call in a hospital bed, because she can't get around. Better yet, she can't make it to the bathroom. Ugh, another blow to the chest. I have so much to do around this house, bills, appointments, but I feel I need to be there. My mom and grandma would be there as much as they could, everyday bringing a little something to say "I'm thinking about you." My mom loved auntie, and well grandma loved her sisters. I won't forget the words, who will watch out for you, knowing there are some people who can't see beyond my faults.
In a few hours I will pack my bags again, load up the dogs and head out again to satisfy my own hurt. I'll fight even harder she WILL NOT die, I'm not going to watch it again, I'm not going to have it invade another part of my life. So I didn't see her or visit her every single time I had an opportunity, it was with love that I remember in her home. My mom would always leave me there for her to babysit.
I don't know how I will make peace with this one, again. I'm getting tired. Just like grandma she always worried about her and those are the hardest people to face. Mother's Day when I saw her, she cried at my success and the happiness my mom and grandma would feel.
I leave here with tears for an aunt who had to watch a niece, mother, dad, and sister have cancer consume their bodies. Her silent plea of death is slowly knocking at her door. She will stop holding on soon. For that, I'm deeply saddened.
It's with this simple bracelt that will pain me of words shared and tears shed. My grandma's sisters have failed to give up on me, despite my own faults. Her sisters. I've seen that these last few days. It's in dying amends have been made and gratitude has been expressed.
With a heavy heart.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
Random
What can I say? I've taken the complete liberty of closing a door on life. A part that really, I have to snicker at, softly. There are so many things in this life that we can change. There are so many roads to travel and only one (YOU) can make those most of what you have. Every day this becomes a stronger lesson from the da before.
Its not often I sit and lament ver the losses that I've endured. Years ago, yes - I was drowing in my own tears and sadness trying to get through college, but nope not even those toughest moments could sway what I was supposed to become.
I knew at one interval I would eventually have to say goodbye to either one, but their loss has created a chain reaction of sorts. Discontentment..dischord...and yet I have to laugh because some people fail to stop and look at themselves in the mirror. They hold onto their own self -pity loathing in "my way is right."
I was having one of those conversations with another that creates a charge in thoughts and settles the reality. I was once convinced I was wrong, there were years upon years that I was wrong, that I was the bad one, and the one who would NEVER grow up. I was the one no one could appreciate because for some reason they couldn't look past themselves. I laugh hyseterically because how I was so blind to see that our lives are what we make of them and there is no set way to enjoy the life set before us.
For now...a life awaits me and I can't quite put these words in a phrases I can quite articulate. Laughter awaits me outside the office door. Happiness abounds as I'm faced and surrounded with people who would never give up, despite my tears of sorrow and the inability to stand on my two feet. If anyone knew the struggle I struggled with the last two years. I would never sleep. I lost 40 pounds and there were so many days I would walk into the classroom and lay on the floor and have my kids teach other. (Luckily for moments at a time I happened to be a damn good teacher who taught them real quick to be independent thinkers) I'm yet to figure out how my entire class passed the TAKS and I never spent thoughtful time in teaching. Some call it weakness. I call beating all odds because there were very few left. A little at a time...you really begin to see life take its shape. I don't have set family and kids to settle with and not face the harsh realtiy of loss. I don't have a family or kids to pour my life into while holding onto memories. Yet, I have a life far greater. I life wrapped in knowing, I had to struggle to let go, and now...today...they are so much happier.
Today, tomorrow.....everyday I think of them.
Its not often I sit and lament ver the losses that I've endured. Years ago, yes - I was drowing in my own tears and sadness trying to get through college, but nope not even those toughest moments could sway what I was supposed to become.
I knew at one interval I would eventually have to say goodbye to either one, but their loss has created a chain reaction of sorts. Discontentment..dischord...and yet I have to laugh because some people fail to stop and look at themselves in the mirror. They hold onto their own self -pity loathing in "my way is right."
I was having one of those conversations with another that creates a charge in thoughts and settles the reality. I was once convinced I was wrong, there were years upon years that I was wrong, that I was the bad one, and the one who would NEVER grow up. I was the one no one could appreciate because for some reason they couldn't look past themselves. I laugh hyseterically because how I was so blind to see that our lives are what we make of them and there is no set way to enjoy the life set before us.
For now...a life awaits me and I can't quite put these words in a phrases I can quite articulate. Laughter awaits me outside the office door. Happiness abounds as I'm faced and surrounded with people who would never give up, despite my tears of sorrow and the inability to stand on my two feet. If anyone knew the struggle I struggled with the last two years. I would never sleep. I lost 40 pounds and there were so many days I would walk into the classroom and lay on the floor and have my kids teach other. (Luckily for moments at a time I happened to be a damn good teacher who taught them real quick to be independent thinkers) I'm yet to figure out how my entire class passed the TAKS and I never spent thoughtful time in teaching. Some call it weakness. I call beating all odds because there were very few left. A little at a time...you really begin to see life take its shape. I don't have set family and kids to settle with and not face the harsh realtiy of loss. I don't have a family or kids to pour my life into while holding onto memories. Yet, I have a life far greater. I life wrapped in knowing, I had to struggle to let go, and now...today...they are so much happier.
Today, tomorrow.....everyday I think of them.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
I CAN SEE!
I can SEE!
The best thing has happened. I am living without contacts and glasses!! I took a bold step and had lasik done. Although, I'm unique and different I had to have LASEK a more complicated form, but a fix in vision nonetheless.
I had already built myself up that I was going to go blind and that was it! I fretted for three whole days. Then, I said let me change my sunglasses without prescription so I'll have a reason to keep going.
Friday morning, a pill and a half of Valium I was lying a dark room. My heart beating faster than ever (I don't think it ever stopped) and then, my name was called. Its funny they give you a name tag so I guess they take the right person to the "operating room" that was the funny part.
So, here I go. I'm laying down and a massive amount of drops are overflowing in my eye. The Dr. comes in and he's just humming away. I'm thinking you are about to cut my eye and burn flesh, focus you should be focusing. The process was quick! I was in the room a total of 3 minutes! I'm escorted out of the room and I'm greeted with "CONGRATULATIONS" from all the office staff. I said, "Did I just have a baby?" What a unique way to walk out of an operating room that focus on your eyes.
Had some pain, but mostly pain free that was the good part because the scared me about the pain. They give you a bottle of pain pills so I'm thinking I'm in grave danger. Nope, took one the day home just to sleep through the day.
I wake up the next day and woo hoo I'm not searching for glasses!!! That is by the far the greatest thing ever. To see a TV in its clearest form. Exhilarating.
Saturday morning off to the Dr again, for a post op sort of thing. You know what??? This time I COULD SEE THE BIG LETTER "E"! Do you know how many years the top letter did NOT look like an E but you learn that its always an E so you can pretend. Whoa. Vision that you could not believe.
Better yet a 6,000 operation for only 2200.I had a friend who had an awesome deal and told me about it so I saved so much money.
It's like looking through life with a new pair of eyes :)
The best thing has happened. I am living without contacts and glasses!! I took a bold step and had lasik done. Although, I'm unique and different I had to have LASEK a more complicated form, but a fix in vision nonetheless.
I had already built myself up that I was going to go blind and that was it! I fretted for three whole days. Then, I said let me change my sunglasses without prescription so I'll have a reason to keep going.
Friday morning, a pill and a half of Valium I was lying a dark room. My heart beating faster than ever (I don't think it ever stopped) and then, my name was called. Its funny they give you a name tag so I guess they take the right person to the "operating room" that was the funny part.
So, here I go. I'm laying down and a massive amount of drops are overflowing in my eye. The Dr. comes in and he's just humming away. I'm thinking you are about to cut my eye and burn flesh, focus you should be focusing. The process was quick! I was in the room a total of 3 minutes! I'm escorted out of the room and I'm greeted with "CONGRATULATIONS" from all the office staff. I said, "Did I just have a baby?" What a unique way to walk out of an operating room that focus on your eyes.
Had some pain, but mostly pain free that was the good part because the scared me about the pain. They give you a bottle of pain pills so I'm thinking I'm in grave danger. Nope, took one the day home just to sleep through the day.
I wake up the next day and woo hoo I'm not searching for glasses!!! That is by the far the greatest thing ever. To see a TV in its clearest form. Exhilarating.
Saturday morning off to the Dr again, for a post op sort of thing. You know what??? This time I COULD SEE THE BIG LETTER "E"! Do you know how many years the top letter did NOT look like an E but you learn that its always an E so you can pretend. Whoa. Vision that you could not believe.
Better yet a 6,000 operation for only 2200.I had a friend who had an awesome deal and told me about it so I saved so much money.
It's like looking through life with a new pair of eyes :)
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