A Heavy Heart

This time, the year is 2007. Cancer has invaded itself once again. How many times I questioningly ask someone/something. I fight back tears as I busy myself again, with things of this world. I've woken up from a nap and I sob, again. Why does it mutate itself so quickly? I may not be the best at "being around" all the time. However, I know about the idea of love and how much it means to someone to show that you care, even if the life is not to last forever. I spent three days watching, helping, waiting to see in which way I can help. I've relieved people, I've adminstered medication, and I've sat holding back tears, the same repitious moments just like before. Today, my first day back at home, exhausted from the three days, bad news is yet to come. I have dentist appointments, appointments for my lasik because the healing process is slower than they'd like. What do I do? These things have to be done! I think, what's important? My aunt it, but I have to take care of myself too, I can't make allow myself to create any complications. A heavy sigh.

The first day. Tuesday afternoon around 2:20, I arrive at my destination. "Auntie" I call her. I walk in amongst all the paper signing of "do not resucitate" forms and the waiting for a room in a hospice. I'm greeted with they only give her four months to live, and the look in her eyes, tells me something different. (Yet, when I look at her I break down, she looks EXACTLY like my mom and grandma, no hair, same eyes, same face, same color)
I go to hug her to wrap my arms around her crushed. She says "Come with me to my bedroom" and I completely lose all I have told myself I was going to hold onto. She tells me the grim tale of the doctors orders and sobs relentlessly. I grasp back, again, not wanting cancer to claim another soul. She looks at me and says "I want to give you this" its a pink bracelt with the words "I LOve You" inscribed. "Mija, who's going to watch out for you?" I cry again, the same comforting sounds "I'll be okay" - really, is that how it works? I'll be okay!!!! I have to, three times I'll have it down this time. This pink bracelt is steadily put on my wrist and then she kisses it, and tells me she loves me. We head back the the living room. She demands "I'm ready to die, why won't God just take me! I pray and pray and he won't take me!" How do you console something who demands the need to leave this world? Do you say, "Umm..no we are selffish and want you to stay?" That's not right. You can only nod with a heavy heart. She looks at me "I see your mom and grandma waiting for me, but I'm not playing any BINGO when I get there, they're too crazy!" I tell myself, a quick smile, a quick smile and all I have are more tears. Devastated. Breathless. Worried. Selffish.

I hate to be selffish to hold on so tightly. I'm guilty.

Friday, I'm here and I get a phone call. My other aunt calls and tells me things are not looking good, they had to call in a hospital bed, because she can't get around. Better yet, she can't make it to the bathroom. Ugh, another blow to the chest. I have so much to do around this house, bills, appointments, but I feel I need to be there. My mom and grandma would be there as much as they could, everyday bringing a little something to say "I'm thinking about you." My mom loved auntie, and well grandma loved her sisters. I won't forget the words, who will watch out for you, knowing there are some people who can't see beyond my faults.
In a few hours I will pack my bags again, load up the dogs and head out again to satisfy my own hurt. I'll fight even harder she WILL NOT die, I'm not going to watch it again, I'm not going to have it invade another part of my life. So I didn't see her or visit her every single time I had an opportunity, it was with love that I remember in her home. My mom would always leave me there for her to babysit.

I don't know how I will make peace with this one, again. I'm getting tired. Just like grandma she always worried about her and those are the hardest people to face. Mother's Day when I saw her, she cried at my success and the happiness my mom and grandma would feel.
I leave here with tears for an aunt who had to watch a niece, mother, dad, and sister have cancer consume their bodies. Her silent plea of death is slowly knocking at her door. She will stop holding on soon. For that, I'm deeply saddened.

It's with this simple bracelt that will pain me of words shared and tears shed. My grandma's sisters have failed to give up on me, despite my own faults. Her sisters. I've seen that these last few days. It's in dying amends have been made and gratitude has been expressed.

With a heavy heart.