Free

Sickness consumes her body and soul

A woman too young to die

Fighting the battle to stay alive

Day in and Day out she lies - unable

to do the things she used to

Hiding behind fear and strength

She pushes ahead

Time is her enemy

Nothing left to do

Her grasp on the world

is loosening

Holding onto the memories of the past - she

drifts in efforts to live a better tomorrow.

Free or pain.

Good-bye mom!

Growing

Today different than yesterday
Sometimes never the same
The same feelings remain
while learning to grow, to live.

Awakening

by anonymous

A great read! Be inspired!

A time comes in your life when you finally get it.

When, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries enough!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a blind

tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realized it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness,

safety, and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that you are neighter Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginning, for that matter) and that any gurantee of 'happily ever after" must begin with you.

And in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are and that's OK.

They are entitled to their own view and opinions and you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself.

And in the process, a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop

complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself.

And in the process, a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers. You begin to accept people as they are and over look their shortcoming and human failties.

And in the process, a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realized that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is a result of all the messages and opinions that havae been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.

You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing.

You begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown or should havae brough into to begin with

And in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing.

You stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" , looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holdds together the foundation upon which you must build life.

You learn that you don't know everything.

It's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsiblity and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say no.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. How to love. How much to give in love. When to stop giving and when to walk away.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have.

Then you stop trying to control people, situation, and outcomes and youlearn that alone does not mean lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want thing and to ask for the things you want. And sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindess, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less.

And you learn that your body really is your temple and you begin to

care for it and treat it with respect

You begin to eat a balance diet, drink more water and take more time to excercise. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you getin life what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything world achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working towards making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all . . . FEAR itself.

You learn to step right into and through your fears because youknow that whatever happens

you can handle it and to give into fear is to give away the right live life on your own terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living

under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair.

You don't always get what you think you deserve and the bad things happen to unsuspecting good people

On these occassions you learn to not personalize things.

YOu learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with eveil in its most primal state...the ego

You learn that negative feeling such anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and

redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about, a full refreigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly you begin to take responsiblity for yourself and by yourself and you make yourself a promise to nver betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind

And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand.

You take a deep breath and you begin to design, as best you can, the life you want to live.

The End

Phillipians

Random Reading - comes with random words. See what you can make of it :)

Moses talks face to face
Paul has an ACTIVE relationship

Jesus says "Let me be near you"
Israel says, "Give me a king"

It's a terrifying realizaation to be intimate, I mean intimacy is revealing ALL that you ARE or are NOT.

It's far better to let someone else talk about what they see, and have them EXPERIENCE God and come tell us about Him, right?

Phil 2:12

Ah, maybe it is here we draw the line - we are to work salvation out for ourselves

It's 3 in the morning, dark, lonely, and no else is around. Nope, not a single soul answers their cell phone. Your only hope....

Is to stop being satisfied with others experiences and press in (I'm thinking of David's heart)

Some press deep to know him
Others will wait for others to bring Jesus to them - a sad price to pay.

My favorite part Psalms 62 and 43
It's OK to wrestle with God.

Principles for Relationships with Children

For those who spend their time working with kids, something indeed to remember.

I am not all knowing,
Therefore, I will not even attempt to be.

I need to be loved,
Therefore, I will be open to loving children.

I want to be more accepting of the child in me.
Therefore, I will with wonder and awe allow children to illuminate my world.

I know so little about the complex intricacies of childhood.
Therefore, I will allow children to teach me.

I learn best from and am impacted most by my personal struggles.
Therefore, I will join with children in their struggles.

I sometimes need a refuge.
Therefore, I will provide a refuge for children.

I like it when I am fully accepted as the person I am.
Therefore, I will strive to experience and appreciate the person of the child.

I make mistakes. There are a declaration of the way I am - human and fallible.
Therefore, I will be tolerant of the humanness of children.

I react with emotional internalization and expression to my world of reality.
Therefore, I will relinquish the grasp I have on reality and try to enter the world as experienced by the child.

It feels good to be an authority, to provide answers.
Therefore, I will need to work hard to protect children from me!

I am more fully me when I feel safe.
Therefore, I will be consistent in my interactions with children.

I am the only person who can live my life.
Therefore, I will not attempt to rule a child's life.

I have learned most of what I know from experiencing.
Therefore, I will allow children to experience.

The more I experience and the will to live come from within me.
Therefore, I will recognize and affirm the child's will and selfhood.

I cannot make children's hurts and fears and frustrations and disappointments go away.
Therefore, I will soften the blow.

I experience fear when I am vulnerable.
Therefore, I will with kindness, gentleness, and tenderness touch the inner world of the vulnerable child.

Miss You

No one knows when or why. What changes in the earth to say, “Ok, our time is over.” Nevertheless, here we are walking, living, breathing to make for ourselves a life. Our lives hold many things such as: warmth, trust, and love. None of us given the guarantee of tomorrow, but here we are in unity. Eyes tell a story all their own, laughter reminds us of cherished times. Tears remind us of all those emotions words could never capture.

I will always remember this woman. A woman who gave life. This woman her provided love (in her own unique way). Her life tells me a story. I want to be like her – strong, never a discouraging word. She had cancer – in her bones, in her body, on her brain. You never heard this woman say, “I can’t.” Doctors said, “She won’t be able to walk anymore”. She scoffs. With a walker in both hands – she was going to try. Pain in her steps but that didn’t stop her. This woman had determination. She had a reason to embrace her everyday.

I get angry sometimes. I want to blame her for not being here, for dying. Some days – rage sits in and my hopes she’ll appear somewhere and say, “Calm down, I’m right here.”

As I write – she begins to come alive. The way she walks, slow, and steady. Her laughter as it carries through what I once called “home”. Her character as “Mom” – begins to take form. As I can freely express anything, I wish. No, she’ll never come back, but this is where I can keep her alive. I can include her in tales of my past, present, or future. Whatever role I wish her to fill.

I wonder why I keep writing about her? I never use to. Oh, she was never dead. I stopped writing for pleasure less and less when she died. I became enveloped of her non-return that my words would tear me apart. I had to keep it together. I had to demonstrate cohesiveness. I was trying to finish my degree. “Tears don’t bother me” – I would say to myself.

However, I remember at night and early into the mornings I would cry. I would embrace your final days – playing and replaying what I could have done to keep you alive. I was so close to graduating – and you were so excited. My goodbyes were harsh and without emotion. I didn’t know exactly what to feel.

Two days ago, you were on the phone – you were laughing – telling me to stay out of trouble. After that, a coma? C’mon – Can’t be that easy. Doctors say that’s what happens before a body begins to spiral downward – their speech so clear – their mind so free. Funny. Weeks/ months before her thoughts were idle as she lay in her hospital room. I was a small girl to her. “Amy, I told you to clean your room!” she would blurt out. “Stop hiding!” as she would raise her heavy head as to look for me. I’m sitting in a chair next to her. “Mom, it’s ok I’m right here.” For month’s that’s what it was – I was the parent. I had to feed her. She told me, “No” once – what do you do? I gave her the spoon and Jell-O was everywhere. My mom was losing a battle and my mind never caught on.

So, here I am 29. My mom gone from this world and I on a journey of “new normals”. I hope to be carrying out a legacy – embraced with a passion of working with children as my mother did for so many years.

“Does life get easier?”
That’s hard to say. You constantly have to teach and re-teach yourself how to live. You only know what works.

This is definitely a journey shared my many – some go through it like myself – swallowing hard and hoping not to fall apart. Others cry when they’re sad and laugh when they’re happy. Whatever keeps you going.

I do know, you can wish it never happened until you are blue in the face, but guess what? It’s real. Everyday, it’s real.

One day I will embrace understanding – one day I will embrace her unspoken love as a means to be reminded – it’s ok to miss her for now, and to know I’ll always be her daughter. Nothing can take that away.

Heartache

Beating, Slowly, remembering the pain
Shortness of breath, mute
Swollen, tired, as they watched you died
outstretched, weak, your child

Another day comes - I stand looking at myself in the mirror - fix my shirt collar - and take a deep breath. How days have I done that 3 years 4 months and 14 days. You would think my mind would catch on. That's my life, now. How in 3 years I've done all the thing you would have never imagined. Make-up, highlights, clothes my size, a career. Done. You made this journey I'm on kind difficult, are you aware of this? I want you here, I do. This pain has infected my heart - causing me to miss you. This infection eating away, creating an empty space you once filled.

My "I Love Yous" are long overdue, my quiet laughter as I remember your own laugh are kept sealed away. I try to contain you in a small box, but I can't - you affect my everyday. Mom, help make this easier on me, I'm tired. Please wake me from this dream to hold me to tell you love me. I think inside my heavy laddened soul in receiving a rainshower. My tough facade is becoming weak, "it's ok to miss her" it whispers.

My body tightens and I stop breathing. Another blow at reality. Everything I do, is for me now. Five years from now it won't hurt this much, but I gotta get through it now. I wish our goodbyes were better produced; than mine flirting with the idea of telling you to "fight" or saying "its ok you can go." No matter what we endured; rather you endured the sleepless nights, crying for my safety, wanting to help but didn't know how. I endured wall building and apathy.

We can't rewind time - (trust me, I want to). Tears in my eyes, memories of you parade around my thoughts - I catch one, I'm reading to you, we laugh. A still frame. Good-bye Mom. I love you. Good-bye - two words (oxymoron). "Good something well done, you appreciate "Bye" finality - departure.
Gone, you, yes, - well done? Not really.

However, this marks neither the beginning or the end, but a "new" mark in life (as many countless words and writings will convey). It's har - "grief" a process not a race. I'm gonna miss you for a long time - because life has its ways of keeping you close. My mind knows you are supposed to be alive - that you dying is not okay. You were tired, you were ready for a place with no more pain. Your strength amazes me.

Musn't have been by chance
you were the one One
Chosen to be our mom
Through the years
Holding on
Expecting to live
Remembering you, Today.