Heartache

Beating, Slowly, remembering the pain
Shortness of breath, mute
Swollen, tired, as they watched you died
outstretched, weak, your child

Another day comes - I stand looking at myself in the mirror - fix my shirt collar - and take a deep breath. How days have I done that 3 years 4 months and 14 days. You would think my mind would catch on. That's my life, now. How in 3 years I've done all the thing you would have never imagined. Make-up, highlights, clothes my size, a career. Done. You made this journey I'm on kind difficult, are you aware of this? I want you here, I do. This pain has infected my heart - causing me to miss you. This infection eating away, creating an empty space you once filled.

My "I Love Yous" are long overdue, my quiet laughter as I remember your own laugh are kept sealed away. I try to contain you in a small box, but I can't - you affect my everyday. Mom, help make this easier on me, I'm tired. Please wake me from this dream to hold me to tell you love me. I think inside my heavy laddened soul in receiving a rainshower. My tough facade is becoming weak, "it's ok to miss her" it whispers.

My body tightens and I stop breathing. Another blow at reality. Everything I do, is for me now. Five years from now it won't hurt this much, but I gotta get through it now. I wish our goodbyes were better produced; than mine flirting with the idea of telling you to "fight" or saying "its ok you can go." No matter what we endured; rather you endured the sleepless nights, crying for my safety, wanting to help but didn't know how. I endured wall building and apathy.

We can't rewind time - (trust me, I want to). Tears in my eyes, memories of you parade around my thoughts - I catch one, I'm reading to you, we laugh. A still frame. Good-bye Mom. I love you. Good-bye - two words (oxymoron). "Good something well done, you appreciate "Bye" finality - departure.
Gone, you, yes, - well done? Not really.

However, this marks neither the beginning or the end, but a "new" mark in life (as many countless words and writings will convey). It's har - "grief" a process not a race. I'm gonna miss you for a long time - because life has its ways of keeping you close. My mind knows you are supposed to be alive - that you dying is not okay. You were tired, you were ready for a place with no more pain. Your strength amazes me.

Musn't have been by chance
you were the one One
Chosen to be our mom
Through the years
Holding on
Expecting to live
Remembering you, Today.