Education?

Let's just say, I'm learning quickly there's a time for......

It's a never ending poiltical game, and its not about kids. It's about scores. The facade is about kids, but at the end of the year its the numbers. The mindset doesn't change. That saddens me. I chose this, because I have something to give, and a number is not what I'm after.

Have you ever read the Little Prince? Third Graders are pilots, and well the rest is History. You want kids to achieve and become great things, lets remind them that choosing the right answer is the only way to achieve this.

For that, I am saddened. I want kids to grow, experience and become someone different. Some, don't care. Where can i go to find this?

Hero

I heard this song on the radio today. I love music. For all who do not know this widely known fact, I love words. I love it when I find "just-the-right" words when I'm writing. This song created a peaceful moment. I'm not entirely sure how, but I was content with how the words left me. For now, I'm short with my own words, but needed to leave this mark.


Jo Dee Messina
IF Heaven was Needing A Hero
I came by today to see you I just had to let you know If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time I'd have held you, and never let go Oh, it's kept me awake nights, wondering I lie in the dark, just asking why I've always been told You won't be called home Until it's your time I guess heaven was needing a hero Somebody just like you Brave enough to stand up For what you believe And follow it through When I try to make it make sense in my mind The only conclusion I come to Is heaven was needing a hero Like you I remember the last time I saw you Oh, you held your head up proud I laughed inside When I saw how you were standing out in the crowd Your such a part of who I am Now that part will just be void No matter how much I need you now Heaven needed you more Cause heaven was needing a hero Somebody just like you Brave enough to stand up For what you believe And follow it through When I try to make it make sense in my mind The only conclusion I come to Is heaven was needing a hero Like you Is Heaven was needing a hero and that's you

Disney World

"Welcome to Disney World and enjoy your stay!" announced the bus driver. Of course, there is much to see and do, but there is one moment I will never forget.

Today, it still brings tears to my eyes, for many reasons. It's late in the evening and all the lights have been turned off. Infront of me, Cinderella's castle stands tall. A voice echos from the loud speaker. Its Jiminey Cricket welcoming all the guests. Then, IT happens. The most amazing fireworks I had ever seen! The theme: "Wishes" as music accompanies each flight. How perfect. A place so feing and yet, something inside yearns that wish. You know, that wish they sing about, that I can have. The music still plays over in my head. Maybe its because its the first I have looked up in the sky since died and experienced the relief and awe that welcomed me that day. I felt connected, at last. Oe think I know for sure is this moment, this single moment, will stay with me forever.

In memory of my trip to Disney World two years ago!

A Heavy Heart

This time, the year is 2007. Cancer has invaded itself once again. How many times I questioningly ask someone/something. I fight back tears as I busy myself again, with things of this world. I've woken up from a nap and I sob, again. Why does it mutate itself so quickly? I may not be the best at "being around" all the time. However, I know about the idea of love and how much it means to someone to show that you care, even if the life is not to last forever. I spent three days watching, helping, waiting to see in which way I can help. I've relieved people, I've adminstered medication, and I've sat holding back tears, the same repitious moments just like before. Today, my first day back at home, exhausted from the three days, bad news is yet to come. I have dentist appointments, appointments for my lasik because the healing process is slower than they'd like. What do I do? These things have to be done! I think, what's important? My aunt it, but I have to take care of myself too, I can't make allow myself to create any complications. A heavy sigh.

The first day. Tuesday afternoon around 2:20, I arrive at my destination. "Auntie" I call her. I walk in amongst all the paper signing of "do not resucitate" forms and the waiting for a room in a hospice. I'm greeted with they only give her four months to live, and the look in her eyes, tells me something different. (Yet, when I look at her I break down, she looks EXACTLY like my mom and grandma, no hair, same eyes, same face, same color)
I go to hug her to wrap my arms around her crushed. She says "Come with me to my bedroom" and I completely lose all I have told myself I was going to hold onto. She tells me the grim tale of the doctors orders and sobs relentlessly. I grasp back, again, not wanting cancer to claim another soul. She looks at me and says "I want to give you this" its a pink bracelt with the words "I LOve You" inscribed. "Mija, who's going to watch out for you?" I cry again, the same comforting sounds "I'll be okay" - really, is that how it works? I'll be okay!!!! I have to, three times I'll have it down this time. This pink bracelt is steadily put on my wrist and then she kisses it, and tells me she loves me. We head back the the living room. She demands "I'm ready to die, why won't God just take me! I pray and pray and he won't take me!" How do you console something who demands the need to leave this world? Do you say, "Umm..no we are selffish and want you to stay?" That's not right. You can only nod with a heavy heart. She looks at me "I see your mom and grandma waiting for me, but I'm not playing any BINGO when I get there, they're too crazy!" I tell myself, a quick smile, a quick smile and all I have are more tears. Devastated. Breathless. Worried. Selffish.

I hate to be selffish to hold on so tightly. I'm guilty.

Friday, I'm here and I get a phone call. My other aunt calls and tells me things are not looking good, they had to call in a hospital bed, because she can't get around. Better yet, she can't make it to the bathroom. Ugh, another blow to the chest. I have so much to do around this house, bills, appointments, but I feel I need to be there. My mom and grandma would be there as much as they could, everyday bringing a little something to say "I'm thinking about you." My mom loved auntie, and well grandma loved her sisters. I won't forget the words, who will watch out for you, knowing there are some people who can't see beyond my faults.
In a few hours I will pack my bags again, load up the dogs and head out again to satisfy my own hurt. I'll fight even harder she WILL NOT die, I'm not going to watch it again, I'm not going to have it invade another part of my life. So I didn't see her or visit her every single time I had an opportunity, it was with love that I remember in her home. My mom would always leave me there for her to babysit.

I don't know how I will make peace with this one, again. I'm getting tired. Just like grandma she always worried about her and those are the hardest people to face. Mother's Day when I saw her, she cried at my success and the happiness my mom and grandma would feel.
I leave here with tears for an aunt who had to watch a niece, mother, dad, and sister have cancer consume their bodies. Her silent plea of death is slowly knocking at her door. She will stop holding on soon. For that, I'm deeply saddened.

It's with this simple bracelt that will pain me of words shared and tears shed. My grandma's sisters have failed to give up on me, despite my own faults. Her sisters. I've seen that these last few days. It's in dying amends have been made and gratitude has been expressed.

With a heavy heart.

Random

What can I say? I've taken the complete liberty of closing a door on life. A part that really, I have to snicker at, softly. There are so many things in this life that we can change. There are so many roads to travel and only one (YOU) can make those most of what you have. Every day this becomes a stronger lesson from the da before.
Its not often I sit and lament ver the losses that I've endured. Years ago, yes - I was drowing in my own tears and sadness trying to get through college, but nope not even those toughest moments could sway what I was supposed to become.
I knew at one interval I would eventually have to say goodbye to either one, but their loss has created a chain reaction of sorts. Discontentment..dischord...and yet I have to laugh because some people fail to stop and look at themselves in the mirror. They hold onto their own self -pity loathing in "my way is right."
I was having one of those conversations with another that creates a charge in thoughts and settles the reality. I was once convinced I was wrong, there were years upon years that I was wrong, that I was the bad one, and the one who would NEVER grow up. I was the one no one could appreciate because for some reason they couldn't look past themselves. I laugh hyseterically because how I was so blind to see that our lives are what we make of them and there is no set way to enjoy the life set before us.

For now...a life awaits me and I can't quite put these words in a phrases I can quite articulate. Laughter awaits me outside the office door. Happiness abounds as I'm faced and surrounded with people who would never give up, despite my tears of sorrow and the inability to stand on my two feet. If anyone knew the struggle I struggled with the last two years. I would never sleep. I lost 40 pounds and there were so many days I would walk into the classroom and lay on the floor and have my kids teach other. (Luckily for moments at a time I happened to be a damn good teacher who taught them real quick to be independent thinkers) I'm yet to figure out how my entire class passed the TAKS and I never spent thoughtful time in teaching. Some call it weakness. I call beating all odds because there were very few left. A little at a time...you really begin to see life take its shape. I don't have set family and kids to settle with and not face the harsh realtiy of loss. I don't have a family or kids to pour my life into while holding onto memories. Yet, I have a life far greater. I life wrapped in knowing, I had to struggle to let go, and now...today...they are so much happier.

Today, tomorrow.....everyday I think of them.

I CAN SEE!

I can SEE!
The best thing has happened. I am living without contacts and glasses!! I took a bold step and had lasik done. Although, I'm unique and different I had to have LASEK a more complicated form, but a fix in vision nonetheless.
I had already built myself up that I was going to go blind and that was it! I fretted for three whole days. Then, I said let me change my sunglasses without prescription so I'll have a reason to keep going.
Friday morning, a pill and a half of Valium I was lying a dark room. My heart beating faster than ever (I don't think it ever stopped) and then, my name was called. Its funny they give you a name tag so I guess they take the right person to the "operating room" that was the funny part.

So, here I go. I'm laying down and a massive amount of drops are overflowing in my eye. The Dr. comes in and he's just humming away. I'm thinking you are about to cut my eye and burn flesh, focus you should be focusing. The process was quick! I was in the room a total of 3 minutes! I'm escorted out of the room and I'm greeted with "CONGRATULATIONS" from all the office staff. I said, "Did I just have a baby?" What a unique way to walk out of an operating room that focus on your eyes.

Had some pain, but mostly pain free that was the good part because the scared me about the pain. They give you a bottle of pain pills so I'm thinking I'm in grave danger. Nope, took one the day home just to sleep through the day.

I wake up the next day and woo hoo I'm not searching for glasses!!! That is by the far the greatest thing ever. To see a TV in its clearest form. Exhilarating.

Saturday morning off to the Dr again, for a post op sort of thing. You know what??? This time I COULD SEE THE BIG LETTER "E"! Do you know how many years the top letter did NOT look like an E but you learn that its always an E so you can pretend. Whoa. Vision that you could not believe.

Better yet a 6,000 operation for only 2200.I had a friend who had an awesome deal and told me about it so I saved so much money.

It's like looking through life with a new pair of eyes :)

Publicity Stunt?

Seriously, my life is this complex. However, I've chosen to make it easier.

So, this story begins this way: It's the Race for the Cure event Easter weekend. Okay, a notable event which thousands come together to walk for all sorts of reasons: hope, grief and love. They all have their reasons. My purpose is to publicly honor those I have lost. It's not a single moment that becomes the ONLY day I think, honor or remember them it's a daily thing in my life. However, here is one interval in time, that I share that same hurt or hope for others in one event.

There were a few who decided to get together and participate in this event. Yes, it was really cold and even got to finish the race in the snow, but what a very cool way. Remember that song, "I run for life, I run for hope/all that is true" that song does not signify one time, one event, or one purpose. It's again, the mere idea that you run for the lives of others.
Well, after the race I stood to watch all the survivors standing on steps, celebrating their life for that day. The happiness on their faces could be the first time in a long time. Or, it could have been the last time that happiness will grace their sphere before they part from this world. One moment, one time to truly step out of your own selfish bubble and stand in celebration (yet sorrow) for the lives lost and the lives celebrated.

If you are not familiar with the event: In an enclosed area there are booths and food that fill the empty places. There are different booths that participate in gaining awareness through their own personal logo to advertise for themselves. Why not? These are people that believe in finding a cure or at least have some respect for the event. A clear example a corporate company I once visited talk about their participation in the event. For what reason? They were affected in someway, perhaps someone they lost or the celebration of others. I remember the day. It was at Pier 1. I bought a screen there and they were telling us about the reason for selling pink candles. Everyone has their reason, people don't show up to just throw out their name.

Ok, with that said. Back to my story.

So, here I am at the event. Three people (after gathering free stuff) decided they would go wait in the car. Seriously, they came for free stuff? Seriously.

After the walk, and the tears just began to fall as I watched all these women stand on these risers celebrating their life. The fear, the constant bad news, the hope - this day it was worth it. For one day, they got to share with the thousands their celebration of life. Yes, for those who have lost it sucks to see that, and you kick yourself wondering why it can't be you and those you have lost. Selfish? Of course, but they wouldn't want us to regret and become bitter at the lives of others.

I walk back to the car, with the tears in my eyes and I enter the car with a heavy heart. I did not speak (for several reasons) one the bitter sweet experience watching those women, and the wish and just missing, to just disappointment that one would sign up for something to gather free stuff and not even participate in the event. Why even come? Oh, free stuff.
I'm finally asked why I am crying. My response they suffer 7 years and 1 hour in the cold. That's the way I saw the event, as well. You walk for their life and the moments they suffered. Some dealt with it most often and more closely, I'm walking for the reason why I couldn't always be there and to suffer in the cold or hot. I can't give those people 7 years of suffering but I can give them a piece each time I participate.

Then, I get these harsh words of discontentment of how they grieve. I said, "that's the way you choose to deal with it." That was my consistent response. I didn't raise my voice or slander them harshly, those were my only words I exchanged.

Now, someone who I thought would just take the words, because of course if you don't want to know then don't ask, I didn't offer anything. She goes off, and says very angrily, "I'm pissed!" Who made her mad? Was it because her grief is hidden behind anger and regret? I don't know, but she got really angry. My response remained the same. It gets better. She goes off that the whole event is a publicity stunt. I'm thinking, then why the hell do you participate? For the shirt? For the free stuff? For what reason would you just give your money if you did not approve the reason? Seeing my problem?

It was the most disappointing day of my life. I deserve an apology to be treated with such disrespect of raising voice of "I'm pissed" and the words tearing through my mind that it's all a publicity stunt. I want her to tell those people who were standing up there celebrating their life. I want her to come up their face and raise her voice exchanging those words to them. Crush their heart and spirit, go right ahead, I dare you.

Talk about disappointment. I wish I was in the wrong again this time. I wish I was the one who yelled and convinced them what horrible people they were, but I ended my thoughts with "That's how you choose to deal with it" ashamed I know them.
Another tough blow. If you participate int he event get your reasons in order. Every time I have done it, I don't cry as near as hard as I did this time, because I got to stick around to see the end because I wasn't being rushed. But, as I've walked and heard the song by Melissa Ethridge my throat gets tight and several tears from my eyes. For personal reasons, and for the lives that walk around me.

Again, another experience shared with my students. I showed them that their behavior isn't worth a plastic toy you will lose in a few days. Your behavior is because you feel good about yourself and the reasons why you choose your behavior. I'm not expecting perfection or allow them to mess up. Students are often in search for some monetary thing, and what's more important a plastic toy i can get in abundance for them to lose, or awareness that in life, all those things don't measure what's in your heart.

I had one of my students (I teach 4th grade) who sent me an email and said, "Miss Rios, I'm glad you do it for the right reason, forgive those who weren't good." A fourth grade student in my class who can convey such meaning. That's the worth in what I do
.
People are shallow and Takers. Again, from the same people I see the same pattern. Its sad that people can be like this.